Problems with adult children? Five ways to stay healthy after estrangement

September is Healthy Aging Month, so I’ll use that as a segue to discuss something that’s always important: how problems with adult children can affect your health. You already know these one-sided relationships can take up enormous energy. Healthy aging requires bringing more of that focus back to you.

Here are five ways to redirect that energy toward your life and health.

1. Get outdoors.
   September, with the start of autumn—and National Public Lands Day on September 26—offers a perfect reason to step outside. Getting the benefits of nature doesn’t require a deep forest or mountain heights, although those are wonderful. Step out under a tree in your yard or on a patio and listen for the flutter of birds’ wings, the gentle roar of rising wind, or the sound of fallen leaves underfoot. Here where I live, this time of year brings the oak trees’ brand of raindrops: falling acorns in an orchestra of thuds on the ground, pings on a metal fence or wheelbarrow, and knocks on the roof. It isn’t safe to stand under the trees and possibly get “rained” on this time of year, but it’s fun to watch the squirrels gathering the spoils.

Where can you find nature? Much research reveals its power to soothe and heal, but most of us don’t need studies to tell us what we already know. Try a few of the nature escapes tied to healing in my anthology with 33 authors, Nature’s Healing Spirit: Real Life Stories to Nurture the Soul.

2. Stop doing the impossible job.
   Autumn marks a turning point to the year. We’re heading toward cooler weather—and the holidays. It’s an opportunity to reassess where your energy is going and where it might be better spent. A shift that supports your healthy aging doesn’t mean giving up on anyone, but it helps to recognize what is—and isn’t—your responsibility. I talk more about that in the 5-minute video: Is this Your Job?
3. Interrupt the mental loops.
   Where does your mind go when you’re not fully present? Traveling mentally to painful problems with adult children stirs confusion and loneliness. You miss opportunities in the here and now: beautiful scenery, loved ones, impromptu fun…. Growing up with a worried father showed me early on how frustrating an anxious, overactive mind can be. That fueled my lifelong effort to calm my own mind—and eventually to write a book to help others. You can gain helpful insight, take charge of your mind, and stay present for your loved ones.

Rumination Remedies was named a quarterfinalist in the Publishers Weekly BookLife Prize and is now also available in a traditional Chinese language translation by a Taiwan publisher. It’s experiential, deep, and fun. Running the same painful material on autoplay doesn’t produce a solution to problems with adult children. But intentional movement, fresh eyes, and routines that support your shifted perspective can enhance your enjoyment of life. Talk about a healthy aging stance!

4. Strengthen the relationships that are available to you.
   Whether that means cultivating deep friendships or just enjoying pleasantly shared moments with a storeowner you see regularly, take notice and appreciate those moments. In my day-to-day life, I need lots of alone time and am protective of my space. Still, a couple of neighbors share threads of contact that enhance my life. One texts to me that she spotted the quail covey and they’re heading up the hill to my home. Or I’ll snap a photo and send it her way. Occasionally we chat in person or on the phone. We’re not “drop by anytime” friends, but we’re connected.

In Done With The Crying, I included a few questions to help you consider what “friendship” means to you. Not all of us like open-door and call-anytime policies. Knowing what you seek in relationships helps you find and cultivate meaningful ones that fit. In one of my short surveys recently, respondents frequently reported “loneliness.” While common, it isn’t often discussed in relation to parents of estranged adult children. Don’t neglect your need for human companionship. Value the good relationships you have and cultivate them at every level from long-term friendships to transactional ones where you share a story or smile. Start by really noticing who responds, who smiles when you arrive, and who is interested in what you have to say. Talk to the neighbor, call a friend, go to a class—and stay after to chat for a few minutes.

5. Make decisions for the person you’re becoming.
   Healthy aging is more than avoiding illness. A thread that runs through most of my work is that aging well requires adaptation. For parents of estranged adult children, that can require changing what we see as a good life. Most of us thought our children would grow up and remain close. Unresolved problems with adult children require us to adjust.  This short video can help: Is it time to change the setting?

Healthy aging can require lifestyle changes. Thinking about where you’ll live, how much stress, clutter, and space you manage, and how to eat in ways that fit an aging body are all part of life. We also have to learn new technology simply to function in an increasingly digital world. All of this requires energy and focus.

Adult children’s choices are largely beyond a parent’s control. For estranged parents, the gap is even wider. And you know what? We have enough to focus on in this phase already. Healthy aging means giving attention to the body, relationships, surroundings, choices, and future that are still ours. Your life is calling. Answer.

Related

Heartbreak of estrangement: Small shifts to help your health

What trees teach parents of estranged adult children about enduring and thriving

How can estranged parents take charge? Be the author of your own life