Radical Acceptance: Does acceptance have to be “radical”?
Radical Acceptance: Does Acceptance Have to Be Radical?
The term “radical acceptance” has become part of the cultural lexicon. You hear about it in books, in therapy, and even just among friends. The term comes from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and means recognizing reality as it is, even when painful, unfair, or different than what you want. That doesn’t mean you become passive, excuse bad behavior, or approve of what you don’t. Rather, the concept can free you. Still, I sometimes hear the word “radical” and think that word makes the concept sound bigger, more dramatic, and perhaps more difficult than it is.
Because the term comes up so often among estranged parents, and because so much of my teaching hinges on recognizing reality, I think it’s worth looking at in context, including some history and practical ways acceptance can help.
Acceptance as a turning point
Some people hear acceptance and imagine giving up, resigning yourself to misery, or giving your stamp of approval. Acceptance is actually more like this:
This is how things are right now. I may not like it. I may mourn the facts and need to work through confusion and anger over this hurt, but that doesn’t mean I can change what is. So, at least for now, I’m deciding not to spend my time in distress, upset over what I can’t control or change. Instead, I’m going to work at living—and loving—my life.
Accepting reality—what is rather than what you wish were true—makes way for strength, personal integrity, and power. To me, that’s anything but “radical” as most of us think of the word. More like honest, practical, and wise.
Where “radical” comes in
Radical acceptance is a specific skill that’s taught in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which was developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan for people experiencing intense emotional suffering. In that context, radical means complete or all the way: recognizing reality as it exists rather than continually fighting against the fact that it exists.
Today, many people are familiar with the term through Tara Brach. She helped popularize the phrase radical acceptance in a broader, mindfulness- and compassion-based context. And the term sometimes takes on a spiritual aspect and may involve forgiveness for some people. But not everyone needs the added word.
I’m a practical sort and view acceptance as ordinary when there’s nothing we can do about something. That’s not radical but frees us from the stuck spot of fighting what we can’t control. As I’ve said often, resisting can make things worse for us. Imagine struggling in quicksand, which only makes you sink faster. Acceptance can help you stop beating your head against the wall.
That clearer view makes room for a different question: Where can I take charge? And that can become a turning point.
When estranged parents accept what they cannot change
Acceptance, whether you call it radical or not, is rarely instant. You may accept the facts of the situation with your adult child one day and feel pulled back toward longing and hoping the next. Anger, disbelief, and a sense that your whole world has fallen out from beneath you can be overwhelming. When something is shocking, intense, and goes against your values, practicing acceptance takes effort. That’s one reason learning to view reminders as prompts for your own well-being, rather than as triggers that send you whirling, can help.
For estranged parents, acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean you approve of or pardon your adult child’s behavior. Accepting the reality of another adult’s choice, situation, or learning path allows you to pursue your own. Their path can belong to them without requiring you to keep putting your own life on hold. You can recognize they are who they are, at least currently, and stop waiting for them to change. Boy, can that be freeing.
Acceptance doesn’t require forgiveness either, although release can certainly be helpful. Is “release” the same as “forgiveness”? Perhaps it’s a matter of semantics, because some view forgiveness as pardoning. I don’t see acceptance as requiring me to pardon what happened. Releasing the stressful burden of continued anger, judgment, or whatever else keeps me tied to hurt is something I can do.
Does accepting reality mean I will never feel angry or judgmental again? Not likely. But I can notice those feelings, recognize what is and isn’t within my control, and practice acceptance again.
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26 thoughts on “Radical Acceptance: Does acceptance have to be “radical”?”
Thanks for replying Sheri, I have been able to accept that my youngest daughter will never want me in her life. I feel the contempt she has for me. I kept feeling it for a long time before we went our separate ways and I didn’t know what it was. It became a full estrangement when her sister needed a divorce from her druggie husband, and she sided with the drug dealing husband and not her sister.
As for my son, I am not in a position where I can be estranged from him no matter what he does. He is going to need a lot of help and all of us will be there for him. To know him is to love him. I remember the first time I saw him again after our estrangement. He looked like he wanted to cry. I saw him again at another point and I could see he would have gone in another direction if he could have. I think his physical health plays a role in his actions. Sad………..
This was so helpful. I can do this. I need to grow past thinking my child can only change if I’m in their life. Also, I need to fight the fear that we will never be close.
Thank you, Allie. I’m glad this was helpful. They grow up and take charge of their life’s steering wheel. Yes, you CAN do it.
HUGS to you, Allie,
Sheri McGregor
I like this , it is a different way of loking at my estranged daughters 3 as a matter of fact , we have been out of each other lives for many years i am69 and my oldest is 50 , 48 and then my baby dies from drinking at 46 , I have been sober for 41 years and my dad died at 51 from drinking on my baby’s b day when she was 4 , but I didnot have custody my x tricked into signing over custody, and there you go. greta
Yes acceptance is very hard at times. Forgiveness is a struggle too. Its easy to stay in the loop of anger and wishing they would soften their attitude and stop the abuse
I cherish the 15 years I was able to share wonderful times with my grandchildren. That will always be a comfort through life. The lovely memories come flooding around at times and I still talk about them and my estranged son and daughter in law. The lovely times, the funny times, Xmas memories, Even putting together a Xmas stocking for their much loved cat !! That was hilarious.
Acceptance I guess for my hubby and myself means letting them go, hoping they are all well and happy. And hoping they have people around them to support them after we have been cancelled. Throwing away your Mum and Stepdad is a profound action and I am sure impacts them…maybe with regret and maybe missing us.
But life moves on and we do struggle some days but other days are lovely and made better with people who love us and have stood by us. We try to not be bitter and angry but thats a challenge at times.
Sheri your newsletters always come at the right time and are a lifeline for us. Many thanks xx
Hi Robin Hood,
Yes, it’s profound … and it is theirs to own and live with. Letting go includes that part, too. The letting go of the worry for how their own decisions end up affecting them, their possible regret.
Thank you for telling me the newsletters make a difference–and I’m glad they do.
HUGE hugs to you, Robin Hood,
Sheri McGregor
Thank you Sheri.
Radical acceptance is so hard when active abuse is happening…and it is right now.
My holier than thou estranged son has got to me on FB and sending vile messages now.
How do people that are fathers and husbands and go to church do things like that.
There’s something so wrong with our children that act in such a cruel way to all of us whether it’s complete silence or abuse.
Its all cruel and who wants reconciliation with cruel people like them.
Blocking him on FB is the next step.
He had blocked me and now unblocked me so he could continue his reign of terror.
Going to the police now to report him.
Thanks for being a safe place to talk. We all get comfort from the love support and understanding here. Xx
Testing. Wondering if my emails are going throughIve commented several times and never see my post. Not showing in my sent emails either?
Anne, I don’t see any other comments from you here.
HUGS,
Sheri McGregor
Sheri, I always look forward to your articles and your wisdom. Thank you for being a bright light in the land of confusion.
Ann, thank you so much for this nice comment. I’ve been labeled toxic, psycho, etc. … Now I get the wonderful “bright light in the land of confusion.”
🙂
I’LL TAKE IT!
You made my day.
HUGS,
Sheri
As I approach eight years of estrangement, for me “recognizing reality” led me to the “acceptance” of the fact that I couldn’t stop my adult daughter from making her free will decision to exercise her power by estranging from me. And the estrangement will only end should she, if ever, make her free will decision and exercise her power to cancel the estrangement and perhaps make an authentic outreach so that she and I can somehow move forward and repair our relationship. As the estrangement has degraded to no contact, I am not hopeful for reconciliation with her nor seeing my grandchildren again. But my door remains open and I move forward with the love from my other adult children and other grandchildren.
Yes, Mark, it’s like realizing you can’t drive THEIR boat.
Glad you have other good and loving people around you.
Hugs,
Sheri McGregor
Good topic for us parents who grieve estrangement but we must love, live and support the other family in our lives. I find having mixed feelings to be difficult. And self care!
Hurt and hurray at the same time? Yes. Celebrate and cry at the same time? Yes.
The quote “reality is interfering with my life.” the imagined assumed outcome) Acceptance is a challenge. I do feel the positives fill up the hole in my heart.
We all deserve to be peaceful & to enjoy life. I hope all the parents out there with estranged kids can find things that bring joy into their lives. It’s ok to be happy and also have tough moments or days when we wish the situation was different.
Thank you, Kate.
HUGS,
Sheri
I first heard that expression in a support group for parents of adult children with BPD.
I interpreted it as meaning that my ED wasn’t going to change and that it was time to figure out a way to move on without her. Oddly, my husband interpreted it as meaning that we had to accept and affirm everything she was doing.
Eventually, time proved that my interpretation was correct after she repeatedly spat in his face (metaphorically). It took years, and a move to another state, but we’re both finally there.
Oh, NK, I could feel the pain in your post … the years of horrible behavior and its impact. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. You are an example of what parents sometimes must do in order to live in peace, too.
Hugs to you.
Sheri McGregor
I found it interesting to read about radical acceptance, it actually dovetails into the homily given at the Mass I attended this weekend. Both reminded me that acceptance of a particular situation means I have done all I can/could do regarding an issue that will be resolved one way or another, not necessarily in the way I might prefer, but acceptance gives me peace either way. Doesn’t mean I won’t question myself at times, but my faith grounds me when I let it. God does have a plan for me so that is where I place my trust. Thank you so much for these insights.
You’re welcome, Julie. I love it when there is a coincidence like this–and it all dovetails so nicely for a deeper contemplation or understanding.
Huge hugs to you,
Sheri McGregor
I agree with you. What’s so radical about acceptance? I see acceptance as looking straight at what is and moving forward based on that. It’s like,“picking up the pieces” and moving forward. Thats not radical, it’s smart.
Thank you Jillayne. We think alike.
🙂
Hugs,
Sheri McGregor
For the rest of my life, I plan to say exactly what I think if I am attacked by any family member. I will no longer be nice in the face of adversarial comments made to me, about me. I did exactly that yesterday when I was spoken to about a lie that was repeated to me, about myself. I will not make nice with people who are not nice to me just to keep the peace. I do not care if they don’t like the new me. This is the radical new me. I do not lie and when I say the truth, I expect them to believe me. If they try to make me keep explaining myself, will shut them down and tell them in no uncertain terms to buzz off.
Trish,
We all have a right to be treated with fairness and have our deeds represent us, too. One of the things that can happen when a person becomes less tolerant of others’ mistreatment is that we lose those people. I think that may be where the term “their loss” comes from.
🙂
Much love and hugs to you.
Sheri McGregor
Excellent blog post, Sheri. I like to think of the mindset shift I had to do as “radical” because well it was so different from the rose colored glasses I wore. I used to think I could fix or change situations or people. Now I practice acceptance of what is for what is. I don’t have to like it but I can’t let it eat my heart out any longer. I loved this post, thank you!
Good thought, Yellow Rose. You don’t have to like it. There are actually a lot of things we don’t necessarily like in life … and we accept them and get on with what we do like instead of wasting time on what we often can’t change.
HUGS to you, and thank you.
Sheri