Semi-estranged from adult children: When contact still hurts
Semi-Estranged from adult children:
When contact still hurts
Some parents are fully estranged from adult children. Others are a huge group that sometimes wonder if they even fit: semi-estranged parents. They’re not quite “no contact,” but definitely not close. They may suffer direct put-downs from their unkind adult children. Or, they may be framed negatively to their grandchildren.
These parents are trying to hang on to tenuous relationships with the children they have always loved. They may be walking on eggshells to stay in touch but feeling emotionally worn out. They often wonder whether continuing contact is wise with these semi-estranged adult children but are fearful of letting go.
First, for these parents who have some contact but feel disconnected or are suffering verbal abuse, yes, you fit the definition of “estranged,” which I wrote about very soon after starting this site in 2013 (see that blog post here). You’re welcome and will find help here and inside the membership (if you’ve been wondering).
As a semi-estranged parent, you know very well that the word “estranged” is much more than a standard dictionary definition. It can include all sorts of relational chaos, walking on eggshells, and the despair of being powerless to fix it. Parents of “estranged” adult children, no matter the definition, are put through the wringer.
Semi-estranged: A no man’s land
In this limbo land of semi-estrangement, you may still see your adult children from time to time. You may be granted occasional or routine visits with the grandchildren—often with lots of attached rules (or their word for them: boundaries). Holidays may be fraught with distress wondering if they’ll show at all, and if they do, will they be on time? Will they stay long? Will they ruin the party?
Periods of no contact may be interspersed with brief, transactional exchanges that, to outsiders, look normal. But underneath all of that, the relationship has flatlined. The child doesn’t just visit for fun. A parent’s struggles, or even joys, may be met with silence or sarcasm. Yet, dare not inform them of something, and watch the you-know-what hit the fan.
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies
Sometimes, semi-estranged parents dismiss their own feelings, as if the crumbs or minimal contact gives them no right to hurt. So, they may judge themselves for any longing, sadness, anger, or even resentment. Tough contact that stirs up those feelings may be minimized with thoughts like:
At least I’m not completely cut off.
At least I still see my grandchildren.
At least they show up for bigger events and are still part of the family.
You may truly be thankful for the contact … and dismiss the deeper hurt.
Emotional labor:
Walking on eggshells can feel like walking on broken glass
On the days leading up to any planned visit, parents may spend hours wondering how it will all go, going over the last blow-ups and trying to plan for and prevent them. Rumination reigns. What mood will they be in? What can I do to keep the peace? What if they bring up XX again? Will the grandchildren look even more guarded than the last time? What’s being said about me? And how can I prove I’m a good person? How can I make it fun for them despite the tension?
Then, during the visit, there’s the tongue-biting restraint, the careful facial expressions, and avoiding certain topics and hoping no new hot buttons appear. One “wrong” question and the visit may implode, but not acting interested enough can bring the same result. It’s a difficult not-too-much and not-too-little terrain that shifts from one visit—or one minute—to the next.
After these dissatisfying visits you don’t look forward to but aren’t sure you should stop, parents may suffer. A stress-amped nervous system interferes with sleep. So, emotional exhaustion becomes physical fatigue,, and it affects their health.
This is where after-care matters—a topic I discuss in more depth in BEYOND Done With the Crying. Yet, instead of taking care of themselves after contact, parents may be hard on themselves instead. I should be grateful that I even got to see my grandchildren. Why can’t I focus on the good? They may replay conversations that hurt them yet wonder if they’re being too sensitive. Or they tell themselves they’ve chosen to go along with the relationship, so they should be happy or have no right to complain.
But minimizing your own pain only makes you feel alone. You can appreciate there’s still contact but admit that it hurts. You can be grateful for a visit and also recognize the cost of getting ready, getting through it, and getting past the lingering distress.
Semi-estranged parents: Take kind care of yourself
No one can decide for you when enough is enough or whether continuing the contact is right for you. Those decisions are up to you. In BEYOND Done With The Crying, there are examples of grandparents who weigh those choices and make decisions based on what’s good for them, the grandchildren, and even the adult child now or in the future. These situations frequently include mental disorders or behavioral challenges. Parents worry about their offspring’s and their grandchildren’s future—which are important factors that are individual to situations and the families involved.
After any contact, take care of yourself. Take a walk to clear your mind, listen to uplifting music, and purposefully decompress. Refrain from big decisions, allow yourself to feel what’s real—which might be a mix of relief, sadness, gratitude, anger, longing, and more. It’s unrealistic to believe you’ll bounce back immediately. Especially as we age, recovering from stressors takes time.
Since 2013, in the members’ discussion forum for parents of estranged adult children at this site, the question of whether some contact is worse than no contact has repeatedly come up. Contact without warmth or with abuse can be its own special brand of hell.
And the truth is that most estrangements have some contact at some point. The nature of families with their shifting landscapes of marriages, new births, and deaths, often bring contact. Even one-off meets bring dilemmas and cause stress—so even ones with no contact or only very occasional contact can empathize with the ongoing semi-estranged.
So, whether you’re fully or semi-estranged from adult childen, be kind to yourself. Do activities that promote your own peace and joy. Give yourself a break. As I say in this short video, you deserve it.
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14 thoughts on “Semi-estranged from adult children: When contact still hurts”
There’s a song by Beck “Already Dead.” Yes, tt feels like I’m watching something dying. Dont’ even know where to start, but I can say this with 100% confidence. My daughter is a manipulator, distant even when she is right in front of me, and can be very cruel. She uses her husband as her muscle. They like to tag team me. My dreams of “family” have not just been crushed; they have been stomped on repeatedly. She finally got pregnant at 40, had a beautiful baby girl that I will probably never know. What was supposed to be something fantastic and wondrous has turned into a literal nightmare.
I can tell they get their lecturing points from reddit, the place where all parents are evil, inept, unworthy. Even a dog who gets kicked enough will eventually leave. My stepmom reminded me of something I had never thought of–karma. That poor grandbaby. She is going to be suffocated while growing. The internet is who they would rather consult than family.
I’m sorry for us all to be here where we are. And who we are constructed to be by our children–the bad guys.
Sheri, thank you for the article on semi-estranged adult children. I have a 44 yr. old daughter, with two children and a husband, who have been estranged for almost 8 years. I also have 40 daughter with two children and a husband. The 40 yr. old I consider as a semi-estranged, I still get to see grandkids two days a week , and get to go to few baseball games. But everything is pick and choose and limited around her husband. It makes it very difficult to deal with, and he is not a nice person and totally have to walk on eggshells. He controls, pretty much mostly everything. My 40 daughter and I were very close, but over the years it has been fractured. I’ve tried to be civil and make a mends, but it doesn’t work. I need to keep reminding myself that I did nothing in either of the relations, to deserve this ! It is very supporting and re-assuring that there’s other parents all over the world in the same boat. Sadly to say. Wishing all the parents out there love, support, strength and courage and know you are not alone. Thank you Sheri for all that you do for us!!
I so related to this article. There are other parents out there just like me.
I have two children. A 33 year old son who lives in New England. He has gone no contact with me. Then there is my 38 year old daughter. Two grandchildren from her and her husband. I love them all. However, this semi enstrangement perfectly describes this relationship.
All of it. It makes me so sad and hurts so much.
I am recovery from alcoholism. I’ve worked hard this past year to identity what triggers my drinking. This relationship with my daughter and her husband triggers my stress. I would use alcohol to numb the pain.
I just wished I could get my daughter to understand this.
I graduated from total estrangement to temporary this past year–never truly understanding what I had done that deserved that. I think I was the only one in her life that knew her well enough to call her on things that weren’t kosher. She knows how to play people and has been doing that since high school. She is now 31.
Last week her perfect relationship of 8 years tanked. His family were very wealthy and her boyfriend very privileged. He is now leaving her and rather abruptly. It came as a shock to all of us. But it turns out during her confessions to me that the relationship was not how they were portraying it.. Lots of alcohol abuse , prescription pill abuse use and lots of fighting. She was not pulling her weight. Looking back now his arrival in her life was the reason she abandoned everyone including some of her friends. We didn’t measure up. She even told me that her now ex’s mother was like a mother to her. That was an ouch.
So she comes running back to me with lots and lots of tears, wailing that she could not cope and was saying things like she was considering ending her life. I was the first one she called and I sat with her for 9 days straight, often through the night, looking after her and holding her and making sure she was never alone. I don’t live in her area and I canceled my plans to travel to be with her. I did let her know that I was still hurting from being rejected and she still was not able to give me any real concrete reason for that. Then a couple of out of town girlfriends came to the rescue after a few days and she let me know that she wanted to have alone time with them. You can see where this is going. She offered to get me a hotel room. The ex surfaced yesterday and now has plans to come back as often as needed to get the house ready to sell. She does not want me there while he is there either because it’s “awkward”.
I can see now that I was a temporary fix. I am not 100% sure the talk of suicide was ever a genuine threat–but as much as I don’t like her it had to be taken seriously regardless. I packed up and left today. I have no intention of returning.
I am fully estranged from my son but I’m certain if he could choose any other option it would be this semi estranged purgatory. He could enjoy my undivided attention and full love, support, gifts and financial help; I would get virtually nothing in return, no love or warmth, an obligatory birthday text, perhaps a rare and quick visit when it suited his girlfriend, and then we’d have to make certain to not upset her. It would be completely superficial and for show. Any benefit would flow only his way and he would in no way be connected or involved with our family. I however would be tied in knots and distress trying to make things work, pretending it’s all ok.
It seems terribly difficult to jump through the hoops of a one way relationship, and my heart breaks for parents in this limbo. Full estrangement somehow makes it easier to let go and move on.
I can identify with the semi-estranged category. My daughter is about to have a baby in a few days as a single mom. I wasn’t invited to the baby shower. She has rejected all my care or help and already told me she won’t see me for 40 days after the baby is born. I feel so sad and angry. For 25 years her father has used her against me, and just found that this is called Vicarious Violence. So I have to keep going with my life and just send her a message asking how she is doing. I read the stories from the grandparents in this group and get a realistic view of this stage of my life. Life has to keep going.
Sheri, Thank you for this article – it’s very relevant to our situation.
Also, liked the video very much – by the way, the colorful background in the video was great.
Oh, WOW, Sheri, this really hits home! You are spot on with these descriptions of semi-estrangement. I lived in semi-estrangement and walked on eggshells——no, I tiptoed on eggshells!—for more than 15 years with my adult daughter. I was so miserable and my health took a beating. But nothing worked so I kept getting cooler and more distant after every unkind event, sarcastic comment, angry phone call.
Now that it’s completely broken and no contact, I feel much relief, very sad, in grief, as if my beloved daughter died. Which she kind of did, as that adult woman is not recognizable to me, a total stranger. Anyway, at least I am free now and the stress is gone. It is much better to be past the long, painful semi-estrangement. Thank you so much for your site and your BOOKS, which saved me!
Spot on.
Hi. I’ve just read your article above and want to say thanks very much. You have hit the nail right on the head with your post. I’m now 74 years old, separated from my wife in 1996 and spent 4 years trying to figure out how I could have two beautiful sons who I adored and yet a wife who after 18 years marriage told me she never did love me as a husband. I have now grown so much. Remarried in 2001 and from then on my wife and I have been trying so hard to mend the huge gap that can happen when a marriage breakdown occurs with sensitive children. My two sons now 42 and 44 years old have no contact with me. This is partly my fault as I now know that mental health issues have played a major role in our relationship and that some mental health issues like BPD can be hereditary. I have chosen to seek professional counselling since 2023 to help me understand what has happened. I know that to save my wife and my own sanity to stop getting dragged down the rabbit hole or back on the same merry go round, that I must walk away and be no longer a thought in their minds. It’s fukin hard.
Semi-estranged is exactly where I am. I think I have been in this spot longer than I was able to admit to myself. I guess this is why sometimes I wish these kids belonged to someone else instead of me. I don’t think I would have picked any of them for friends. I love them, but I don’t like how they treat me. I bet they would not have wanted me as their friend either. My son was too cerebral, my youngest daughter is too judgmental, and my oldest daughter has become a bully. It makes me wonder how much of their behavior I caused, Hmmn?
That was me for several years. After my husband suddenly passed away I spent money on games that we could do as a family to try and make the visits “seem” pleasant. I bought outdoor games to enjoy around and in the pool, once again to make the visits appear pleasant and non-confrontational. My backyard was the haven during Covid but I was also treated like staff. With no help offered in any way, I just couldn’t provide the kind of service they wanted, so the visits became fewer until they stopped. Now, I have completely shifted in thought. I am no longer mourning what I’m missing, I’m mourning what my grandchildren are missing. I don’t miss the tension, the constant vigilance, and the ridiculous effort I put forward or my daughters at all. I mourn the grandchildren and the fact my daughter believes that denying my love to their children is helping those beautiful kids.
Cherie, I was the entertainment staff and cook. Your description of the backyard games is spot on. It was ridiculous how much time and energy I put in with little appreciation in return.
Thank you for identifying the semi- estranged category. The rules, the eggshells, the questions of how I’m perceived… it all fits, and I’m powerless to let go. I’m older now, too old to find a different life. I’ve started writing in the hopes that maybe some words will be read one day even if they have never be heard. Is it wrong to hope for something different… I don’t know? Hope seems purposeless. Hope takes you up like the plan for a visit and then you realize the aftermath of a visit is a long way down.