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Finding this website with parents facing similar issues has been priceless. As a young mother I raised two girls while still finding myself, sadly through a series of bad choices in partners. At the time I didn’t know how badly these choices affected my daughters in later life. There was no abuse, but now, my daughter at age 54 stopped speaking to me because she says I was a terrible mother and how could I have made the choices I made. She has taken the trouble to list and tell me about every bad choice, and that I’ve ruined her life. I apologized for the person I was then and but she doesn’t want to discuss anything with me. Apparently this has been sitting in her mind for all these years and decided now to stop our relationship. I was in shock for the longest time. She has PTSD and anger issues. I’ve tried to connect with her but when I do she just sends me scathing, angry replies. I now know that I can’t change what happened and have been trying to just go on with my life. But the sadness is always there in the back of my mind. Hoping.
I can totally relate. My daughter has been abusing me verbally, emotionally, mentally and ever way you could imagine for years. I tried to overlook her for the most part for years. As she has gotten older, her drinking on top of her medication, has only gotten worse, and turned physical. She attacked me while I was laying in bed trying to sleep. She kept hitting me in the face and head. I am 73 years old, so it was hard for me to get up and get away from her. She gets so violent. I was able to leave by walking out. It didn’t go unnoticed, one of her neighbors saw me and realized I was in dire straight. They called an ambulance and the police came too. The ambulance rushed me to the ER. Once they got me stabilized, the Dr. said I had a mild heart attack.
Needless to say, while I was in the hospital, the police picked her up. Since we were out of town at her summer home, she had to call her husband to bail her out. He knows how she has treated me
,but doesn’t seem to care. I have not spoken to her for 6 month’s. Her husband’s ex-wife contacted me and told me that my daughter had attacked her daughter. She said, you need to do something with your daughter. I told her my daughter is almost 53 years old and there was nothing I could do. Of course, my daughter lied and said she fell on me with some keys in her hand. She is telling everyone that I lied about having a heart attack. Some of my relatives believes her because I have always covered up for her. Not anymore!! I don’t make it a point to tell them any different
,unless they ask, then I tell the truth. My ex- husband and I have always had a good relationship but. she tells him not to talk to me because I am a liar. This is the same daughter who always told me how much she loved me , and how she would always take care of me. No thanks!!! I have finally had enough of her abuse!!
We lost our only son in 2016 at the age of 35. That was so traumatic!! We should never have to bury a child. Honestly, I now feel like I have lost both of my children to death. It is so sad to grieve for a child that is still living. Not only did we lose our son but we also lost our two granddaughters. That’s another story for another time. I am just trying to survive and keep my sanity. Absolutely, I could write a book about all her craziness.
Thanks for taking time to read this. I am so happy to have found this group. If my story would help just one person, it would be worth it all.
I am trying to use this tragedy to turn it around to a testimony.
May God bless you!
Hi Pennie, thank you for sharing, it has completely resonated with me as I have unfortunately been cut off by my eldest daughter, she’s 37 and remarried last year, needless to say I wasn’t invited, she is also expecting her third child next month and it pains me greatly to think I’m not part of that, she hates me so much that some days I can’t move past that, I feel like it is destroying my soul and purpose in life, dramatic as that sounds that’s what I feel
Louisa
I have forgiven my son for his most recent and last abhorrent dialog to me via a text message.
It’s time now for me to move on. I have what’s left of my life to live.
I cant carry hatred and guilt in my heart while trying to be the happy go lucky person I usually am. I need to make a choice.
Thank you for sharing and for listening.
Be blessed
J.
Beautifully said. My son and daughter are extremely verbally and emotionally abusive toward me. My daughter has estranged me and I have recently stopped communicating with my son after disrespectful and lying texts. It’s so hurtful…
My son stopped talking to me 10 yrs ago. He had a drug problem and hopefully he doesn’t anymore. My two daughters ages 52 & 47 yrs old started being really verbally ugly to me. Then ugly texts! My husband was hurt so much. I cried, he hasn’t slept a good night in months! The grandkids of course I guess following their moms. He tried reaching out to them no response. We sent a birthday gift card to my granddaughter, I got an ugly text from her mom. The reason because they said they didn’t like us going to church. We have never refused them financially when needed or help physically & mentally. We never preach to them never ever pushed religion on them & been going to the church for years! We are at a lost and heartbroken
I am at the same situation my son has been on most of his life on drugs he is now 35 since the age of 13 he has brought me to hell and back then he cuts me off about 5 years ago for two years i thought i was gonna die it was the hardest thing in my life did not know if he was alive ,2 years after he contact me then for 2 years we started to see each other hiking activities he had changed but lasted 2 years then again cuts me off again so Here I am living in a bubbles but I have no more choice now to continue with my life I spent 25+ in the medical field taking care of everybody now its time for me to take care of me and husband its hard have not seen him for a year I wrote him a letter via text and told him could not take it anymore cutting me off so I have too live now and cut off everything making me hate living. Including my son.
I do suffer from this I made so many mistakes cuz I was so young and I had my children and then I left their father it was a good man for the laziest no good that beat man now I’m paying the price but as I say we always get what we deserve in the end and I guess I deserve nothing
Brenda, I am certain that you are worthy of much. Maybe you made mistakes, maybe you have suffered consequences … And now you can learn to forgive yourself, perhaps see things in a new way, and give yourself a beautiful gift going forward (as well as use your “lessons learned” — because that’s what I hear behind your words — to give beautiful gifts to other people too). I don’t know if you have my books, but the second one in particular (Beyond Done With The Crying: More Answers and Advice for Parents of Estranged Adults) includes complex stories and some parents who have made what they consider big mistakes, and how they’re managing those. I think it might be of help to you.
BIG HUGS dear Brenda,
Sheri McGregor
You are NOT paying the price. Try to change your perspective, sit or stand differently, walking outdoors on trails paved or rocky helped me the most, with my ESA dogs.
My mindset was stuck with “how do I fix my relationship with my estranged only child, my daughter “. I remained frazzled, anxiety & panic attacks for way too long. Remember, it always takes two to tango, don’t ever forget that fact.
My husband abandoned me and my daughter before she was born, so I raised her as a single-parent with no child support.
Unfortunately, she is his identical twin with his same blood type. She’s absolutely gorgeous in appearance. However, she also took on his bad habits and traits including alcohol & drug addiction, wild child non-working con-artist.
She had my first grandson to get out of her enlistment in the Army, not because she wanted a baby. He had developmental delays, on the autism spectrum. I told her it’s okay ans he’s a beautiful handsome baby and he may always live with you. She ultimately gave him up for adoption. Going forward, she used abortion pills as birth control, getting pregnant to try and find a man who wanted her and the baby; hence, abortion pills as birth control. Currently, she got pregnant by a man 10-years younger than herself, who has three other kids by two different women. The baby was premature, genital defects, and floppy like a rag doll; however, he’s got the most beautiful smile and superb eye contact with smiling eyes. They are on welfare, food stamps, and Medicaid plus con-artist cash money scams. She’s a player and so is he.
She found her father and his other kids (three of them) and calls them all her family and denounces me, her mother.
After researching, reading this SupportGroup especially helped tremendously.
I can change myself; however, I can’t change her. She’s not interested in reconnecting or reconciling. She’s only interested in proving that the only thing I’m good for is money, the almighty dollar. One day, she’ll understand my position; however, it won’t be til after I’m no longer here on this earth as nobody in the entire world gets out alive.
I have taken the stand to protect myself from her now, blocking her from any future contact.
I am concentrating on MY quality of life, not hers. I must come first and foremost. I have made new friends, slowly, quality over quantity. Started with getting out of the house and doing simple things like going to Walgreens instead of curbside pickup or delivery. Small steps, definitely yes; however small, it’s a new start of my life.
Acceptance of the estrangement is the hardest part. Finally I have accepted her estrangement and I found the perspective that suits me well. Hold your head high. There’s many more opportunities to give the love you have to someone who deserves it, even if it’s just a cashier at the store. And that in itself is the start of a new beginning…….small steps , yet still going forward. Like learning to walk with it, instead of wishing for a reconnection that will not occur because that’s her choice.
Oh my god! Thank you for that advice! Well said!
So glad to have found this site. I am not able right now to share my story, My heart is too heavy. But reading about others helps a little. Our oldest has cut us out of her life and she has our only grandchild. She also cut her younger sister out of their lives. Our hearts are broken in two. I will NEVER know WHY. My husband is fighting cancer and was a WONDERFUL father. He is able to distance himself from this but I think of her every day, every minute. We were a loving, happy family. Thanks for reading and sharing.
Susan, my situation is similar. It was me diagnosed with cancer and about a month or maybe 3 weeks after being diagnosed, my oldest decided he didn’t want anything to do with me or his brothers. I shoved it away to deal with after cancer cause I couldn’t deal with both or I’d give up and I have three other grandchildren to enjoy besides the one he has. I’ve been dealing with it now for two years I think. I’ve recently found these books and I have the and the workbook. I’m using the workbook and I plan on passing the book to my middle son who has had a hard time and lots of hurt being rejected by his brother. He misses his nephew so bad too cause he babysat him until this happened and he feels about him as he would a son. One of my biggest fears is that my grandson will forget me. I haven’t seen him since he was 5, he’s 9 now.
My heart bleeds for you. We are in the same place.
Once my daughter met her husband and his family, it destroyed ours. There is so much control and
Manipulation. Im in therapy. Please know you are not alone.
I had a perfect son. Smart, kind, funny, enjoyed spending time with us, called almost everyday. Then he got married. It was pretty good at first even though she could be moody and difficult. We traveled and spent holidays together. She was desperate to have a baby and became pregnant very soon after the wedding. We were elated. My grandson’s arrival was a blessed event. More than a year later and I’ve seen him only twice.
The reasons are vague. I was inconsiderate because I wanted to visit soon after the birth. I apologized in person and stayed elsewhere even though her parents were always welcome. But that want enough. We were cut off almost completely. At first I communicated a lot with my son. But then he quit contacting me. Still send cards and gifts, and messages. My son says he’s extremely sorry for everything but there seems to be no path forward.
I’ve begun to lose hope. I am not the same person I once was. But I have to forge ahead. My daughter is about to have a baby and she wants us in her life. I’m so grateful for this but half of my heart is gone.
I have come to the conclusion that my son’s actions in treating me (and his brother) as disposable have more to do with his issues than with us. He probably needs to return to therapy to sort things out, I can’t do it for him. The reasons and causes are out of my control. I have plenty of people in my life who value me and know who I am. It’s very hard, as a mom, to take this position but it’s best for my own mental health!
I have a hard time reading some of these although I will get through them I’m sure What if you fell like you deserve some of your childrens actions and don’t know what can be done if anything?
This is my first reply, which is like I’m admitting I’m the perpetrator of major crimes! My 2 40’s daughters have decided I’m so awful that they withheld medical info about my 25 yo grandson. He was in the hospital and a friend of mine saw this on facebook(which I am not on). This is how I found out. As far as how this made me feel, at first, yes, I blamed myself. How evil can one be to deserve this? My final answer after many sorrowful days and nights was- how evil it was of them to shut me out at the worst time of our lives? My grandson was critically ill for 2 months and Praise God, he received an LVAD WHICH WILL pump his heart until he gets a heart transplant. I have seen him 2x thru all this. So, this time it’s on them!
Happy to have found a place to share without being told I am acting like a victim and being dismissed. After 15 years, starting when my son was 7, I have decided to walk away, grateful for the 6 years of joy, hopeful of a new beginning within my control and without the drama. 15 years I sat on the bench of his life, thinking it was “just” a stage and we would be able to create a loving relationship. I went to all of his soccer, lacrosse and football games both home and away. Every game I endured watching him involving his father and stepmom on the field celebrating, running through the tunnel of family and friends, he never so much as looked at me, being ridiculed for calling his name during a game. Going through university, I did all the heavy lifting, the moving and paying for his education only to be told to leave after moving him so he, his dad and stepmom could celebrate the newest milestone in his life. Pictures memorializing all their events together I packed, no pictures of me, his mom. I was invited to his wedding, to a woman I met once. He, his soon to be wife, his dad and stepmom had vacationed together, multiple times and ate together every other week. I spent 4 months painting, every day, a picture for a wedding present. The painting was thrown on the garage floor only to be ruined by flooding in the garage from a recent rain. 4 weeks ago, he turned his attention to my mom, his grandmother. His attention was accompanied by two open hands. I never told my mom of his behavior. He richly benefited by my silence over the years. When I told him enough is enough, he told me I will never be invited to any family gatherings at his home and I will never see my yet to be born first grandchild nor any other grandchildren that follow. I am on the path of accepting things as they are, not as I hoped hard as it is, it’s a healthier path then the one I have been on for the last 15 years. Thank you for this forum.
Omg. My heart breaks with so many hurt parents. I just recently joined here. My older son who hasn’t spoken to me in 9 years has gotten engaged. Texted everyone except me. I send him Christmas, birthday, Valentines and Easter gift’s always. I text him constantly and never answers. I am sick to my stomach. Having a hard time functioning. I don’t know how you do it!
I too have stood on the football field alone while my husband stood with his brother and wife. It was so cold but I stood tall for my young son.Please start taking care of you and distance yourself for your mental health. I saw other parts of your story which were so similar to me and please know it helped me. I am 78 years old. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I still get anxiety to work on So please be good to your self because you are a very good person.
How thankful I am to have found this beautiful group. Reading your comments Kimberly I felt as if you were telling my story. I endured 14 years of abuse from both my Son and Daughter their Leader my ex their Dad. I walked away from them 8 years ago they are now 43 and 45. Unfortunately I left my enough is enough a little late as I was just a puddle. Slowly I have built a life I love with friends who are closer than family. Each year I have slowly got stronger and although I’m not quite back to my old self I am loving the new me
Oh my goodness Susan, your story sounds similar to mine. I have two adult children in their 40’s now estranged. It is better for my mental health as they are disrespectful and verbally/emotionally abusive toward me. It’s devastating to lose them though, even though I know it’s in my best interest.
I read this quote in a book on aging and wisdom: “if one is fortunate to endure long enough, that which we resist (letting go of adult EC), mysteriously transforms into something one no longer hopes to escape. Rather, one becomes willing to embrace the whole of it with a deep, quiet understanding of the bittersweet nature of life. Letting go of what once was, or might never be, no matter how hard we try to make an improvement is no longer a punishment, but a place so true and so deep, it can’t be spoken. ‘
I knew I wasn’t alone in my abandonment from my daughter. It’s so good to read these sad stories about the same issues. Maybe at a later date I will tell mine. There are too many self absorbed children In our world.
Self absorbed is exactly right
Absolutely, without a doubt. The adult children that cut off their parents or parent IMO are self centered, narcissist and extremely selfish. I have not shared my story either, I can share that without God in the equation there is and never will be hope. God is love & hope. I wish you well, know that you are not alone & please, take care of yourself, trust God
For those of us with a Judeo-Christian faith, and have really read and studied our Bibles, we see that this is actually a centuries/ millennia old problem rooted in sin.
This sin problem will intensify as the end of the age approaches:
“For the son dishonors the father, the daughter rises up against her mother, the daughter in law against her mother in law; a man’s enemies are the men of his own house.”
Micah 7:5-6
God tells us how to handle ourselves in tough situations:
“Whoso keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps his soul from troubles.” Psalm 21:23
“Whoso privily slander his neighbor, him will I cut off: him that has a high look and a proud heart will not I suffer…he that works deceit shall not dwell within my house: he that tells lies shall not tarry in my sight.”
Psalm 101
And, the LORD comforts you!
“For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.” 2 Chron 16:9
As alone as you may feel, the LORD knows the truth of your situation.
“ .,.the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.” 1 Sam 2:3
The Great Physician himself, Jesus Christ, will fix everything. Be patient and wait for it. ❤️
My daughter as well. Total blindsided. Never imagined with our close little family that this only child (creative writer) would do something that she knew would devastate my entire world. I wonder, as she goes through daily living, if she ever considers how I even made it through the day not knowing ANYTHING about her/her well being. I woukdnt wishbthis pain on my worst enemy.
I have been struggling for years, and have felt so alone. I’m glad to see I am not alone in my sorrow. I finally called it like I saw it, and now both my son and daughter will not have anything to do with me. even though they know I broke my leg recently.
Agreed. I would never have done to my own mom what my oldest son has done to me. I really have a good reason too for estranging my Mom. She was physically abusive to me. I still treat her with respect cause she brought me into this world and I’ve experienced that parenting is not easy and we all deal with it as we can. We are only human and not perfect so we make mistakes.
Thanks so much for your blog, it is so helpful. My son has dropped out of my life, but only after unexpectedly telling me off, hanging up on me, calling me back and telling me off some more 48 hours before my breast cancer surgery. My husband had already abandoned me and my son was aware of this. My husband isn’t remotely capable of supporting me (or anyone else for that matter) due to untreated mental illness and his resistance to therapy and medication. His response to me telling him I have cancer was ‘I’m going to bed now’ and then 15 minutes later he came back downstairs to ask ‘have you seen my new paintbrush anywhere?’ That’s how out of touch with reality he is. Losing my son too is something I never prepared myself for and I can’t ‘un-realize’ that he’s actually left me at my most vulnerable time. I can’t even tell you how I entered the operating room – I truly felt I was in some alternate universe where I have cancer and am having surgery and soon radiation but I’m invisible as if it’s just another ordinary day. I haven’t cried once or shed a tear over my diagnosis – I’m more devastated about my son. Drawing a connection between what I’m facing and what I should be feeling is missing. I’m driving myself to every appointment – I’ve done absolutely everything alone and haven’t burdened anyone for any type of assistance or physical care. My younger son drove me to surgery which was very supportive but I have no ability to comprehend my husband and older son treating this way. This isn’t my son but it is and even if he comes back how do I reconcile this type of treatment? He asked me to never involve him in his father’s mental illness again because he’s resistant to therapy and I agreed but how does that lead to not talking to your mother as she undergoes surgery and radiation? It’s as if whatever he’s experiencing on his end is far greater than what I’m going through. I’m so perplexed. To me this means he must have strong underlying feelings of hatred toward me – he’s definitely kicking me when I’m down and leaving me only with the support of my 28 year old son. I’ve always been a good mother, I recently gave him and his girlfriend $15,000 so they could buy a house, I always give them little gifts because I love them both, and I’ve always been there for my son. I can’t think of one thing I’ve done to be treated this way.
Dear Marla,
As I read your note, I couldn’t help thinking that I hope you will be there for yourself now. So much time and energy for a son who is self-involved, and who doesn’t recognize his own mother’s struggles or even seem to care. Maybe he’ll improve. Maybe he won’t. You must take care of yourself. Especially now.
Hugs to you.
Sheri McGregor
As I read your story, tears of hope for you trailed down my face. You have been treated so cruel at the worst time. I know the pain and torment. I’m not ready to tell my story of how my daughter was so cruel and conniving in her plan to leave me stranded in my motorhome without a way to tow my car. I pray things will do a 360 for you and God will heal your body and reunite you with your son.
OMG! Reading your story, it sounded like mine. I had colon cancer. My first surgery I was terrified and so panicked I almost jumped out of the bed as they wheeled me down the hallway. Thankfully the guy who puts you to sleep saw my panic and put me under. Last thing I remember is the ceiling light in the hallway and being upset my son left me to deal with it alone when I was so scared. I don’t have a husband to rely on. I’m very grateful my mom and younger brother were there for me along with my twins. My oldest abandoned me about three weeks later. His excuse was he didn’t want to deal with the drama. It’s been almost 4 years now. I don’t feel so alone now but from one to another, I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. No one should have to. He has tentatively reached out to his middle brother to try to reconnect but my middle son has too much hurt and anger towards him. Myself, I’ve chosen to move on without him in my life. I don’t want to reconcile. To there’s nothing. He abandoned me in my hour of need. You don’t do that to one’s you love. I’m taking it as he doesn’t love me and you can’t have a relationship without trust which I don’t trust him anymore so yeah. I’ve chosen to not have him in my life. My family understands and respects my decision. They don’t agree but respect my decision and won’t try to get us to reconcile.
Wow! I am so excited to have found this incredible website where many parents are experiencing the same pain and frustration I never thought would happen to me. I am a mother of four children three daughters and a son. My son has special needs so my three daughters were Always helping me raising my son since my husband worked from five in the morning till 8 PM every night. My youngest daughter changed when she went to college and initially I thought it was due to mental illness that she quit college right away. She came home and suddenly she discovered that she was gay. None of us even for a second thought that she was gay. To this day I think my daughter has female Asperger syndrome but I didn’t realize it until after she went to college. In any event I did not push her away when she shared her news with the family. I told her that it would take me time to get used to the idea just like it took her a 18 years tell us. About a year and a half after she came out she sat down and had this long conversation with her dad and myself and she told us that she want to be an advocate for her LGBTQ community. I simply made a comment and said that I don’t understand why you have to share with the world your sexual preference and label yourself. We come from a very conservative family and traditional upbringing. It was very hard for me to accept this news about her sexual preferences. However I never yelled at her and Always try to support her in making the right decisions. My daughter was a late bloomer so although she was 18 at the time she told me she was gay developmentally she was still about 16. Therefore when she became estranged at the age of 20 she was really developmentally 18. The next day after our a long conversation she got very upset with me because I was watching a video on female Asperger syndrome and sharing it with her grandmother. Perhaps it was not the right thing to do at the right time but my daughter and I had open conversations about her ADD HD and her anxiety and that possibly she maybe had another diagnosis that was not diagnosed because she had a lot of issues with OCD and so I didn’t think anything of it. In any event she left the house that day and she never came back and she has never spoken to me since then and it is now eight months. This is a daughter that I kiss the ground that she walked on and provided every opportunity for her and would sit on the couch and hug her unlike my other two daughters who are not as close to me. I can’t understand why she stop talking to me completely and wants nothing to do with me now. I’m trying to make sense out of this. Had I known that one little video would’ve made her that upset I would never have watched it with her grandmother: how could a child just forget about their mother after what we do to raise our children and stop talking to them. I could understand if I was a selfish mom but I sacrifice my entire life for my four children. I even stayed in a marriage that had a lot of verbal abuse so that my children had a family. I know my marriage and my family was not perfect but I don’t think I deserved to be estranged. I’m trying to make sense out of all of this. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hello Eleni. My advice is: sit down, put your feet up, have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, open the window and listen to the birds singing.
I too have an estranged child. I have 4 total 3 boys and 1 girl my youngest. We have alweys been close while they were growing up. My oldest and youngest. The 2 middle boys were always closer to their dad. We divorced after he beat me and busted my eye socket. He went to jail for 6 months then I moved out of state with only my kids, car and our clothes. Long story but to make it short i remarried and we were close, she got pregnant at 15 and I was the only who supported her and the father. Which was a huge factor with my marriage failing, everyone wanted her to terminate. I supported her in any she decided. They eventually married, and after anout 10 years, she left him and me, have minimum contact. Her grandkids I never hear from rhem. I get a birthday wish or mothers day wish on facebook. She remarried and i was not invited. And nothing else. I leave her at that, she lives 20 minutes away. I used to drop off birthday gifts, etc off never a thank you. So this year I did nothing. And got the usual nothing back. She does the same to her brothers. We are at a loss.
My daughter too is the only sister to 3 brothers and she is the youngest. She had her first and only baby in 2020 when she was 27. I let her live in a cottage on property I inherited from my mom. I even moved in and helped her with the baby until he was 10 months old. I the left in my motorhome and went to a park 2 hours away. On 2021 I sold all the property and gave her the option to come live with me in the motorhome until she got on her feet. They wound up being with me almost 2 years. 2 adults, a toddler and a dog open up a situation of not seeing eye to eye on nearly everything. She bought a house at the end of September this year. I haven’t seen or talked to her since she left on 9/29/22. She left a note telling me there was $100 in an oven mitt to help with rent but until I got therapy, she had to have her space. She took no blame for any verbal spats rather put all the blame on me.
My husband and I have been divorced for 10 years . Granted I asked for it , but my daughter has blamed me for everything for ten years . She completely stopped talking and associating with me for 8 years Of that time , I mean completely. Even the last two years she has only spoken to me for a total of 5 times , I have cried myself to sleep more times that I can count, it still hurts , my heart is still broken and I miss her so very much , but I think I have become numb and I just don’t think l about it anymore , not that I don’t care , or that I love her any less, I just can’t dwell on it. All I can do is take what little bit of love that she offers . I hope that one of these days that we will be able to have some kind of relationship, it will never be the same, I can only hope . I live her more than life itself, and I’ve told her that over and over .
I know this feeling. My ex left me for a woman whose family has boo coos of money and homes property all over the country. My family has none. Zero! He has lied to my one and only daughter to make me look like the one at fault. Now she has nothing to do with me and it’s all over money. I am crushed beyond words. It’s hard to handle when you find out that all of a sudden you have no family and your child believes lies.
I’m delighted to find this group. The word discarded is fitting word for how I feel. It has been 8 years since I have seen my son. I don’t know why he became estranged.
This Mother’s Day was extremely painful because my mom passed Sept. 2021, at the age of 93. I was her caregiver for almost 2 years at my home.
Well intention friends and family sent Mother’s Day wishes that only made me sad. Mother’s Day has been difficult for me since my son became estranged. All I was trying to do was to get through the day. The well intended wishes caused more pain. A constant reminder that Mother’s Day is not a happy time. I don’t understand why people think wishing me Happy Mother’s Day would make me happy or give me comfort. I want to understand.
A little background about me, I was divorced when my son was age 2. I was a single parent with wonderful support from both sides of the family. His father was in and out of our son’s life.
my haiku this morning:
entering year three
of estrangement from my child
slogging through, somehow
After ten minutes reading your heartfelt and heartbreaking stories, I feel less alone. It is bewildering, I know.
Sending love to all of you.
Lisa, your haiku is a very creative way to express your situation. I admire that. I became estranged at Thanksgiving 2022 at my daughter’s choice. Bewildered is how I feel, too. Sending love and understanding to you.
HOLA MI HIJO ACABA DE IRSE DE LA CASA DISCUTI CON EL PORQUE TIENE 21 AÑOS Y NI ESTUDIA NI TRABAJA NI NADA ERAN LAS TRES DE LA TARDE Y ESTABA DORMIDO SE QUE LO CONSECUENTE DEMASIADO POR TODO EL GRAN AMOR QUE LE TENGO Y SE FUE SIN MAS Y DESDE QUE SE FUE AL OTRO DIA ME MANDA MENSAJES Y MENSAJES DE CUANTO ME AMA Y QUE SERA FELIZ Y QUE ESTA BIEN Y QUE ESPERA UNA RESPUESTA DE MI PARTE….SE FUE Y ME DIJO QUE SE IBA EN BUSCA DE SU CAMINO Y SU RAZON DE VIVIR Y TAMBIEN PARA ESTAR CON UNA CHICA QUE ES IGUAL O PEOR DE TOXICA QUE EL, QUE YO LE HABIA SUGERIDO DEJARA POR ESAS RAZONES Y QUE ME ACLARO AL MOMENTO DE IRSE NO DEJARIA…..NO ME DEJA DE MANDAR MENSAJES Y DICE QUE LO SEGUIRA HACIENDO Y QUE ESPERA LE RESPONDA…..LO PEOR ES QUE NO LO DEJE LLEVARSE SUS COSAS SU CELULAR Y SU COMPUTADORA…..CARISIMOS AMBOS Y COMPRADOS POR MI A SU GUSTO Y ELECCION…..LE DIJE QUE SI QUERIA EMPEZAR DE CERO COMO DECIA QUE ASI LO HICIERA DE CERO……Y AL VER SU CELULAR ENCONTRE UNAS CONVERSACIONES ATROCES DE MI Y MI FAMILIA ESPRESIONES ESPANTOSAS HACIA NOSOTROS SU FAMILIA Y DESCRIPCIONES DE COSAS QUE NUNCA LE HICIMOS NI DIJIMOS QUE LES CONTABA A MEDIO MUNDO INCLUIDA UNA PSICOLOGA CON LA QUE HABLAYA….ENCONTRE UNA CUENTA DE ONLY FANS Y DE MAS COSAS PARA OBTENER DINERO FACIL Y SOBRE TODO QUE EL ESTABA BUSCANDO IRSE DE MI CASA DESDE HACE 2 AÑOS O MAS BUSCABA RECAMARAS Y OTRAS COSAS PARA VIVIR SOLO O SEPARADO DE MI DESDE HACE AÑOS…..MIENTRAS ERA UN HIJO COMPLACIENTE Y AMOROSO, CONSENTIDO, COMPRENSIVO Y MUY FELIZ……SUPUESTAMENTE ESA VEO NO ERA LA REALIDAD….LO QUE MAS ME ATORMENTA ES NO SABER QUE HACER……SI CONTESTARLE A SUS MENSAJES SI SIMPLEMENTE DESAPARECER DE SU VIDA COMO EL DESAPARECIO DE LA MIA Y DE LA NUESTRA PORQUE SOMOS UNA FAMILIA MUY UNIDA Y VIVIOS JUNTOS SUS ABUELOS MI HERMANA Y SU HIJA Y EL Y YO….SE SUPONE QUE ERAMOS INMENSAMENTE FELICES, UNIDOS, COMUNICADOS, COMPRENSIVOS Y DE MAS Y EN CONVERSACIONES NOS DESCRIBE COMO SERES PATOLOGICOS QUE LO ATORMENTABAMOS Y NUNCA FUE ASI DE VERDAD……NO SE EN QUE MOMENTO ESE BEBE QUE LLENABA DIA A DIA DE AMOR SE CONVIRTIO EN ESE SER QUE DESCONOZCO Y QUE HOY NO SE SI DESPEDIRME DE EL O SEGUIR CON SUS MENSAJES Y ESTAR AHI PARA EL SIEMPRE BAJO SUS NORMAS Y NECESIDADES……..OJALA ME PUEDIERAN OPINAR ALGUNOS O MUCHOS PARA PODER TOMAR SUS OPINIONES PORQUE DE VERDAD LO NECESITO….ME SIENTO SUMAMENTE PERDIDA Y ESTOY EN CERO…..DE VERDAD LA ESTOY PASANDO MUY PERO MUY MAL…….DE ANTEMANO MIL GRACIAS……
Te entiendo , mi hijo creció siendo cariñoso , amoroso y muy apegado, cuando hizo la transición a la adolescencia y en un ambiente muy malo de cine en la universidad comenzó a cambiar , su personalidad Dulce y sencilla se convirtió en un narcisista mentiroso y manipulador, eso reventó el 2015 cuando por pedirle que terminara sus estudios dejó de hablarnos , de caso , se divorció lo perdonamos , volvió a la casa pero no era el mismo , solo buscaba su interés , nos usaba y con su personalidad decía cínicamente que solo había vuelto porque le pedíamos perdón , mi otro hijo y su padre ya lo aceptaron , yo como madre sigo sufriendo y tratando de reencontrar al niño y adolescente cariñoso y Dulce que crie . días atrás después de 3 años toque su puerta , el llamo a la policía pidiendo que lo ayudaran para me fuera que yo era violenta y que tenía miedo, salió y lo grave le pregunté porque mentía que que le había pasado ? Que porque me humillaba de esa forma a su padre a su hermano, me ignoró por completo y siguió tratando de comunicarse con los policías que cuando llegaron le dijeron que el no podía llamar para estas cosas y que yo no era un peligro para el , los policías me dijeron , olvídelo para que se angustia ! Mire como la trata ! ellos eran jóvenes , poco pueden entender que uno trae hijos a este mundo para Sean personas de bien y 3 años para tocar su puerta fue una eternidad , se que está enfermo , el comenzó a usar la computadora y juegos en línea de forma obsesiva , de privó de sueño y eso al parecer desató este comportamiento sociopata . Yo no tengo consejo porque no se que hacer , la pena aveces es insoportable, creo que si uno a sido buena , justa y a hecho el bien debe sentir paz pero el dolor no se va ni nunca, excepto en padres fríos que tienen una coraza de la cual yo carezco, por esos tres anos lo llame y nunca respondió , mi visita fue otra bofetada dolorosa y cruel.
So sad to see all this pain in us. I’m absolutely devastated. I miss my lil grandchildren whom I spoiled for years. Can’t believe the money I’ve given and spent on my daughter because we had a wonderful relationship. I did nothing to her!
Nothing!!! I cleaned her house, babysat, yard work, EVERYTHING. Loved helping her!
And now I’m nothing to her! My sweet babies I miss so much!!!
This is me exactly- she “needs time to heal” she says
Same here. One daughter. One grandchild. They lived with me until my granddaughter was almost 4
We all were so close. Covid and a new BF. I’m out.
My daughter estranged herself from me after her wedding day 2 years ago this feb 28th. I brought her up myself and we were inseparable. Her husbands mother has always been down on me for being on my own and living in a rented flat. I spent nearly every day with my grandson for two years and he loved me since the estrangement I have not seen my grandson she had also had another child that was one in nov just gone that I have never met. I was devastated and sought alot of help with a counsellor and good friends. We live in jersey which is 9×5 so it’s been inevitable that I have bumped into her. I don’t play games and each time have said hello. But no response. All of my family have also distanced themselves from me due to lies my daughter has told but not one person has had the decency to talk to me. I had a lot of teenage problems with her and sought help for her and she turned a corner but then this. It’s as if the teenage years have come back. This past 6 months I have turned a corner as can’t change her thinking but am trying to live a happy life as much as I can. All I can do is hope now as Iv tried absolutely everything. But to be truthful can’t keep getting rejected. Hence trying to move forward and your books have been another lifeline for me so Thankyou
It’s painful especially when the other grand-parents probably can do anything they want to. I have been in this situation for about 30yrs. My ex was a pathological liar and abusive. We got a divorce however that was not the problem with the kids. He wanted me to come back but the abuse would be worse. My kids and I were close. But then my ex didn’t see them for 4/12 years because his very wealthy girlfriend did want to be around our kids. Then the he wanted to start seeing the kids. They are millionaires, and as they all got together our kids and them the pathological lies from my ex began. Fast forward I got invited to my granddaughter’s wedding I was so excited. Don’t get me wrong it was a great experience and I love her to death. His wife didn’t care for us so we have seen them for special occasions and that has gone for 30yrs. My ex passed and I like his ex, but she is now grandma.
I wanted to write to you because our situation is pretty much the same. You are not alone.
Our son, 45 yrs. Old estranged son for 7 years already, he is married 18 yrs. & he & his wife, have 15 yr. Old twin daughters in 9th grade. In 2015 our son came to me & my husband as he bought into a Franchise l, he needed an extra $50,000 to finish renovations in a rented space in a strip mall. After a short time, for reasons we don’t know our son estranged himself from me & my husband & no longer we could see our granddaughters who were in 2nd grade. I tried and tried with our son, an only child, with cards, flowers for his wife, and much more to no avail. In 2021 my husband passed away, our son & family never came to his Dad’s Memorial, he never acknowledged his Dad’s death nor did his wife. It’s been 7 mos. Since my husband passed away and I keep trying with my son and his wife. My husband and I had helped our son with so much, we paid for his education in full, we helped him & his wife move several times, I drove to his city everyday for many months and 3hrs. home the same day, when my granddaughters were babies & toddlers. I never asked for anything ever. I honestly could write so much what all we did, helped, paid when our son needed help and even when his wife was his girlfriend. My husband & I were devastated when our son and family estranged himself from us. Now that my husband is gone, our son has never answered any em’s, cards I sent to him; he has never said why he estranged himself from me, his mother and his Dad. Everyday is very, very sad for me as I do not have any other family. I feel for reasons I don’t know I am being punished everyday. Thank you for reading and for understanding.
Dear Beverly,
It is so unkind to be discarded. You are obviously a loving mother and grandmother and your son and his needs were very important in your life. It sounds like you have tried to reach out repeatedly to no avail. It’s fine to continue trying if that feels right to you but I hope you will make finding new joy and meaning your focus and do what brings you happiness day-to-day. Shelve all the trying and ruminating for a bit and seek peace for yourself. Or try limiting all the anguish to just a few minutes, after a meal maybe, and then shift purposely to the present and what you can do to make your own day good.
Hugs to you dear Beverly. You are not alone. Your comment will help other parents here feel understood.
Sheri McGregor
Hang on Strong Sister! Maybe find some new friends and reconnect with old ones. Many Moms and Dads have to live above it
Just devastating. I feel your pain and I hope you can heal by trying everyday to love yourself. It’s so hard to do as I myself have trouble doing just that, but what is the alternative? So sad.
Sadly, this seems to happening to so many parents of 30-40 yo adult children. My 45 yo daughter has banished from her life because she says I am crazy and delusional. She can’t tell me exactly how, just says I ‘always’ do something…no details, just something. I divorced her father many years ago, he was verbally abusive, a womanizer, a narcissist extraordinaire, and did NOT want to be a father or involved in their lives. I set out to make sure my kids had a better life than I did…and I think that is where I went wrong. I made sure they had everything I never had, they had a voice in ‘family’ decisions, I bought their first cars and made sure they were safe, I paid for education, I helped with anything and everything. I married again to a wonderful man, who became the father they never had. Sadly he passed away when only 51, and musch changed. By then my kids were grown and on their own, but when they lost work I made sure they didn’t lose their homes, had food, and bills paid. I didn’t mind, I could afford it at that time. Then I sold my house to my daughter for much less than it’s value, because she couldn’t get a bigger mortgage. Suddenly after that I became the crazy ‘bitch’, not welcome in her home, and denigrated to anyone who would listen. What had I done? I don’t know. I never attached strings to helping either child out. Yes, I have my opinions…but never expected anyone to agree with them, or not disagree with me. I thought we had an open relationship and could discuss anything. Never beat them, wasn’t a yeller either. Took in their friends in need many times. Hosted parties and family gathering where everyone was welcome.
I have come to realize that I failed to let my kids learn their own lessons in life, when I was trying to ‘protect’ them. Life is full of ups and downs, and I certainly had to learn to navigate them…but I failed to let my children learn those lessons. I am still learning as I go in life…but this one is perhaps the most painful one, learning to let go. I have always been a survivor, and I will survive this too. I just don’t like the process at all.
((((HUGS)))) to all on this most difficult journey that none of us ever thought would happen!
Mary Beth,
You have been a kind and loving mom. There are some adult children who appreciate such kindness. There are others who suddenly change. Substances? A mental disorder? A third party adversary? Please don’t take another ADULT’S failures upon your shoulders.
I hope you will find some fun now. You’ve worked so hard for everyone. Time to give yourself that kindness and dedication now.
Hugs to you and all the hardworking parents who loved and gave so much.
Sheri McGregor
I just found this website and I am so thankful . God has answered my prayers ,crying of course. I’m praying for you . It’s hard to believe we raised people like this . It is in comprehensible. I hope you find so peace .
I can not say my story is the same as yours but similar and I am trying to work through the pain. I just found this site and ordered one of the books that will arrive soon. My husband and I married 61+ years ago. Have a 60 year old daughter and 57 year old son. Both grew up in a loving home. It is our daughter that has had nothing to do with us for over one year, and her 28 year old daughter is doing the same. I do feel it must be some mental illness. I can think back to her teenage years being quite rebellious. I live in Wisconsin and she and her husband and married daughter live in TX. To make a long story short, I buried my dear sweet husband, her father today. Not a word from her or our Granddaughter. She had only visited once in 6 years. She knew we would always pay her way.
I have made up my mind that I am not going to let either of them make me feel like a victim. Also I don’t need to beg to have someone love me. I have no idea what is going on in her brain, but I can not fix it.
She has shown her colors and her husband has shown his colors to us in the past. Right now I am putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to continue trying to figure her out, because obviously I have not been able too.
I wish you and everyone else the very best in healing. But remember not all sores heal 100% and we then have to endure. This is my sore.
Maryle,
My heart hurts for the struggle you’ve faced. Yes, take charge of yourself … because you can’t fix someone else’s issues. Mostly, my condolences on the loss of your dear husband. One foot in front of the other as you said. Baby steps.
Here’s a strong hug!
Sheri Mcgregor
My son seems to use other reasons to pull away but I do believe my sister has played a part in it. She has had a Bible in one hand and a wrecking ball in the other. I do believe alot is political. After the election and trump lost it got worse. He has totally cut us off. My heart is broken.