Is stepping back from adult children the answer? Knowing when it’s time, how to begin
Is stepping back from adult children the answer? Knowing when it’s time and how to begin
This morning, I received a note from a parent asking a question I frequently hear: When is stepping away from adult children the thing to do?
There are variations of course. Some parents ask how they’ll know when it’s time. Or they might add a qualifier like when stepping back from adult children is needed, necessary, or right. No matter how they phrase it, the decision is something they’ve been contemplating for a while. Usually years, sometimes even decades. Because we’re all different and so are our offspring, there is no exact answer. But if you’re realizing that continuing to engage in the same way you have been is harmful to you, it’s a logical question to ask.
The list below can help you answer the “when” that can torment parents of troubled adult children—but it’s just a starting point to reflect upon. Alter any of the items as needed for your specific situation. Only you can answer when it might be right to step back. With that said, you might be in “stepping back from adult children” territory if:
- You feel anxious or on edge much of the time
- Contact with your adult child leaves you shaken or drained
- You’re constantly worried or living in a state of waiting
- You’ve noticed the same crises repeating
- Your help (money, tickets, other crisis aid) has been squandered
- You’ve tried everything you can
- You have felt responsibility for things you can’t actually control
- Your own health, relationships, or peace have suffered
If some of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. You’re among other loving parents who wish their reality included wonderful, kind relationships with stable adult children.
Below, I’ve written a basic checklist with tips to help you begin letting go—if that’s right for you. This isn’t something you’ll likely do all at once or perfectly. For most parents, stepping back from adult children and their problems or hurtful behavior takes time and involves a few steps backward. That’s normal, nothing to beat yourself up about, and part of the inner conflict that goes with letting go.
Seven ways to begin stepping back from adult children
ONE: Identify and name what you cannot fix
Letting go often begins when a parent starts to second guess their efforts, usually because they’ve been futile thus far. Exhaustion sets in—and the recognition that whatever’s broken is beyond their control, skills, or capacity to fix.
Realizing this doesn’t have anything to do with how much you love your child or wish things were different. Rather, it’s acknowledging what’s real, which love and wishful thinking can’t overcome. If you’re able to, give the problem a name: addiction, narcissistic abuse, mental instability, entitlement… Using language helps untangle the problem from your emotions.
- Reflection:
What have you been trying to change that hasn’t responded to effort?
TWO: Notice how contact affects you
Pay attention not just to what happens, but to how you feel afterward. Do you feel better, or more unsettled? Relieved, or on high alert? Foolish for saying yes or falling for something yet again?
In Beyond Done, I talk briefly about the what’s known as intermittent contact, which can keep parents emotionally captive. A son who is sweet sometimes makes you think he’ll be sweet again. The daughter who is helpful and kind might be that way next time you talk. It keeps you bound to try—kind of like a win on a slot machine gives hope for the next.
Reflection:
After contact, how do you feel? Write a list of words to describe the feelings that happen most often.
THREE: Separate compassion from availability
Even when you care deeply for another person, that doesn’t mean you’re always available. Even Jesus took some time away to himself, which is a good example of a human being, even a perfect one, not being endlessly available. You can be concerned and still not answer every call. Love doesn’t always mean fixing, rescuing, or being there for every crisis.
Reflection:
What’s one boundary you could put in place? Think of things you can do, like pausing to think things through before replying to a text, putting your phone somewhere out of earshot during sleeping hours, or even blocking a number entirely—for a specific period or long-term.
FOUR: Don’t prevent consequences
Parents sometimes try to shield their adult children from consequences. They worry their kid will go to jail, be on the streets, burn all their bridges, or have regrets. I remember my mother saying that some people just have to learn the hard way. As parents, we wish our kids could learn from our experience, but that’s not always possible.
One thing to keep in mind is that stepping back from adult children doesn’t create the consequences. Stepping back can stop preventing them—which might be a good thing. We have all learned lessons in our lives. Sometimes very hard ones that made us more responsible, grateful, and aware of the passage of time.
Reflection:
Are you worried about, or even getting in the way of consequences to your adult child’s choices?
FIVE: Expect some feelings.
Even when you know it’s the right thing to do, letting go hurts. Stepping back from your own adult children goes against what you’ve believed about parenting. It’s also something you never imagined having to do. Even so, the pain you feel doesn’t mean what you’re deciding is wrong.
If you’ve been busy trying to save your adult child or save the relationship, letting go will leave a void. You can expect your feelings to show up, perhaps in force. Grief, anger, frustration, a sense of helplessness, guilt, and confusion have been there all along beneath the surface. They’ve just been buried beneath all the busy-ness of trying to fix, manage, head off, and hope. Expect to feel. Recognize that experiencing feelings is a natural part of processing pain. Journal, take good care of yourself in every way you can, concentrate on the basics, and lean on people who love and support you.
Truth:
Emotional pain doesn’t equal failure.
SIX: One day at a time
Don’t think of defining a boundary, saying no, and limiting exposure today as permanent. Stepping back from adult children is a series of repeated decisions and actions. The more you practice, the more tolerance you build.
You don’t need to decide the whole future. Decide what you can handle right now. Recognize that your answer could change tomorrow, next month, or next year.
Reflection:
What one step can you decide on taking toward letting go?
SEVEN: Reclaim important parts of your life
Stepping back from adult children may feel scary and unsettling but over time, it leaves space for much that is good. More time for rest, social connections, well-being care, and meaningful pursuits that have been overshadowed by distress.
Reflection:
What have you been neglecting that’s important to you?
Stepping back from adult children: Closing thoughts
Learning to let go doesn’t mean losing all hope for your child or for a relationship. It’s simply responding honestly to what isn’t yours to shoulder or fix.
Sometimes, the healing begins with an end. Accepting that can be a form of love.
Related:
When keeping the door open isn’t safe for parents
Don't go through this all alone.
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24 thoughts on “Is stepping back from adult children the answer? Knowing when it’s time, how to begin”
I called my enstranged daughter when I got a diagnosis of early-onset dementia. I cllaed because she is my daughter, not because I wanted her to contact me. I told her I did not want any pitty calls or stops by the house because she” has to now.” I am kind of sorry I did. Spoke to me like a 2 year old. Did I ask the doctor this or that? I told her there is still some testing to be done but I am being treated with medication.
Did I really do this because she is my daughter, and I felt she had the right to know? Or hoping she would call. I don’t want her doing something just for this reason..She goes past our house multiple times a day because she lives up the road and yet she never stops or asks. us if we need anythin.
I have not had contact with my ED for 2 years. She told me I’m toxic and she never was good enough for me.
I am very sad and am having a hard time sharing this news with friends and family.
I’m ashamed.
Hi Sheri. I just wanted to thank you for all the help given to me during our estrangement with our youngest Son. I am happy to say that we are now reconciled and it is going reasonably well. We were estranged for almost 3 years but it was deteriorating for several years before that, since his marriage in fact.
These newsletters and your books helped me the most. And they helped me to accept the situation and in the end to leave it be. We offered to let bygones be bygones a few times with no response. In the end we just sent cards. We had moved away which also helped. And reading other people’s stories on your website also helped.
There has been a visible shift in his attitude and although I’m sure he would never admit it, he regrets the animosity. His wife seems to accept that we are back on the scene. Our grandchildren are glad we are back and we are getting to know them again. It was one of the most painful episodes of my life, and at times the situation was in the forefront of my life. I am grateful that they are back in our lives.
Sheri, thank you for this resource. I have done the full cycle from estranged and semi-estranged adult child to becoming that parent. I was that entitled, immature, ungrateful adult child that treated my parents as objects to use rather than human beings with feelings, needs, and imperfections. I was that adult child who did not want to grow up and it was easier to blame my parents as kicking posts than face hard realities. Now that they are gone and I am older, I regret my immaturity and I wish I could talk to them again. Get to know them better. With my own adult children, three, one is close to me, one cool and distant, and one semi-estranged, with a grandchild I rarely see. I now am starting to act on the wisdom of letting them go. The children who I loved, raised, and let go, are gone, past tense, like pressed flowers back into the pages of times gone and golden memories that no one can ever take away, and I now I tell people how I love my (deceased) parents and “they were not perfect, they did the best they could under difficult circumstance, and I’m grateful to them for everything they did for me.” As I look back at my younger adult years, my parents clung to me and I had to push them away, and I did it in unkind ways that made them cling even harder, degrade themselves, and all that was just so wrong on all sides. Truth: “If they come back to you, they’re yours. If not, it wasn’t meant to be.” My advice to myself now and yes, it is hard to put into motion: let your children go, graciously. It gets easier the more you do it, practice makes perfect. This is the cycle of life though human history, some kids grow up and stay, others leave, and once they are adults, it is their right to do either.
Holidays are always pure torture and this article is just what I needed. Thank you Sheri and all who have shared your tragic stories.
I’m 74 and our eldest daughter has been totally estranged from entire family 13 years ago. She slandered us terribly online and threatened me if I tried to contact her or even her adult children. It took years to come to grips but we finally accepted it and moved on.
Now our youngest daughter who I had always been close to is “semi-estranged” which creates a whole different type of pain. I feel like a dog begging for an occasional bone. She’s like the perfect example Sheri gave about intermittent contact.
“The daughter who is helpful and kind might be that way next time you talk. It keeps you bound to try—kind of like a win on a slot machine gives hope for the next.”
She’ll send a very occasional text throughout the year and stop by maybe once or twice but then totally shun us on holidays.
Spending Christmas’s alone the past 3 years has been horrible. My husband and I had hosted Christmas for 50 years for our kids, grandkids, and other family members when they were alive. We always went all out with decorating and baking to bring them all joy. Everyone loved the holidays at our home and there was never any fighting. But now the older family members have died and both our daughters have estranged and shunned us.
Our son is the only one who still loves being with us, for which I’m very thankful, but he lives in another state and is divorced. His ex cut us off from our grandkids too so now we have no relationship with any of our 6 grandkids. Added to that I am %100 disabled with serious health problems so dealing with this emotionally is especially difficult.
Like everyone here, I’ve done so much soul searching and self blaming over the years. In retrospect, sure, there are some things I would have done differently. There are no perfect parents. But quite honestly, we were good parents, our kids grew up in a loving home, and we do NOT deserve this treatment. I believe it is a sign of the times we live in. Our kids grew up in a self centered culture and social media has encouraged it all the more. For me personally, if I didn’t have the Lord and the Bible to comfort me I don’t know what I’d do.
Blessings and comfort to all of you dear people.
Sheris newsletters are a lifeline to me. The comments from other rejected parents give comfort and I realise I am not alone.
Yesterday by a text sent to us via a loved family member we were informed the estrangement from ES, EDIL and adult grandkids is permanent. Grandkids want nothing to do with us. I cease to be shocked by this as they have been told awful things. We knew there was no hope of contact and now being informed we can grieve and move on.
They were and are dearly loved and we are so lucky to have lovely memories till they were teens.
Ive come on the newsletter tonight to be with awesome people who truly understand the pain and trauma we all go through.
The vile abuse weve been through, the slander and public smearing is so traumatic. Have to keep going I know but man its hard.
We are hoping they will leave us alone now and not throw abuse again.
Thanks for being there for us Sheri. Youre a blessing to all of us xx
Thank you for your newsletters, your wisdom, compassion and availability! I am also ever so grateful for all the parents that have shared their own painful, difficult journeys. It meant the world to realize that we all are not alone. I cannot begin to describe what it was like to realize love was never enough…and no matter how we tried it would not be reciprocated truly broke me. There was/is utter silence. So, we have let go. Not because we ever wanted to, but because the cruelty that brought this mother to her knees made both my husband and me realize that they didn’t feel the same about us as we did them. So, we the letting go wasn’t out of anger—but because we could no longer bear the heartbreak, the unanswered questions or the angry disregard. The irony and treasure i hold now is that our daughter’s in law and grandchildren do maintain caring, respectful relationships with us regardless of our two adult kids that do not. We also have a daughter, son In law and grandchildren that we share a reciprocal, loving, treasured relationship. But our two “prodigals”, we are learning to hold close the memories when we loved and laughed—and it made sense. The bonded anger and refusal of our two oldest adult kids that refuse to even sit down to speak with us, we are finally releasing to their choices. We place them in God’s bigger arms and concentrate on our grandchildren and family that we can share embrace. We still feel each shattered heart piece, but we don’t feel so alone—or misunderstood in this healing journey.
Thank you for helping more than I can express!
I have five children. The two oldest have cut themselves off from me. Their father, who left us for a child bride when they were teenagers, was emotionally abusive to me. I bent over backwards to do everything right for him including being cut off from my family. We all walked on eggshells.
With that, the kids still have always celebrate Christmas, Thanksgiving, “Turkey Runs”, summer parties… with him and the child bride. But with me? I have to take the leftovers of the Christmas season.
This year my husband, my 90 year old Mom, and I visited with my younger daughter and her family during Thanksgiving weekend. My youngest son came to our house a few hours a week after Christmas, and we will visit my middle son this Saturday for a few hours. The estranged son lives near this son, and has decided to visit my brother, who lives near me on the same day we are visiting my middle son.
I guess he hates me so much, that he will drive 2.5 hours away to avoid me. He doesn’t care that his grandmother may not live much longer, nor does my oldest daughter care. She did not respond to messages to meet for Christmas. I dared to message “I wonder how many more years Grandma has?” It seems so childish for me to be nervous to message this kid that I raised.
She is a musician, and we have brought my Mom to her concerts when they perform in our area. She is gracious and visits with us before she sings, but it’s as though she becomes bipolar and disappears after that.
Like many here, these two kids are always in my head, and I can hardly concentrate on anything else especially during Christmas.
I am amongst those parents who have finally decided to cut off all contact after a decade of no relationship at all except my grief and pain about the loss of my daughter, my son (who has mental issues and is heavily influenced by his sister) and all of my grandchildren (a loss engineered by my children to spite me). I face old age with the possibility of perhaps losing my darling husband (not their father) and being totally alone except for wonderful friends (but a bit older than me so will I even have them?). Life is hard and my lost children and grand children are always on my mind but I know this decision is the best for my overall health.
It helps so much to read of the turmoil in others’ lives, especially if they choose to move on permanently and face the final years alone. In that sense I will not be totally alone so thankyou for all your messages.
Oh my goodness, this really spoke to my situation. Everytime I step back my life is almost perfect, as I try to treat myself with all the self love I deserve.
When I’m in contact with a certain adult child, pure turmoil. My health suffers, mentality and physical. After a disappointing Christmas with this person stepping back is the only way, I wish I can say this will be permanent, but I know it won’t be. Maybe one day?
Sheri all your insights and questions each parent must ask are truly brilliant. It has taken me 25 years to finally let go and stop foraging for crumbs. Had I been aware of your vast professional and personal knowledge so well shared in your books and postings, I would gave spared myself so much grief and saved my other loving daughter feeling she was having to comfort me from the constant pain. Better late than never at 76. The collateral damage which a lot of us wrestle with is being deprived of relationships with our grandchildren. Painful as it is, acceptance for what we cannot control. I am completely done with putting the blame on myself for not being the perfect Mother. As a single mother, I did my best with no support whatsoever from her father. I’ve finally come to realize that her close relationship with him is because she was never held accountable. He has recently passed and it’s made no difference in her ill feelings towards me. With my remaining years, I’m giving myself the gift of grace and peace. Wishing everyone success also in finding their place of peace.
I have ‘stepped back’: not trying to communicate with her, dialogue with her friends or trying to find her: it was like hitting my head against a wall and getting punched by the wall as well: she would up the negative comments etc.
But, I have a window to her life, she is in touch with my younger daughter… who carefully shares stuff with me.
The other day my estranged daughter told the younger one that she has me to thank for life skills which are now a part of her, like working out and eating healthily. Small gem, but I’ll take it.
Hi Sheri! I would like to share with you, and others who read this: How INVALUABLE you, your site REJECTEDPARENTS.NET, joining to have access to the private community and the support found there, your educational resources and more made a huge impact in my life. I managed, after more than a decade, to COMPLETELY let go of my adult son (and grandchildren), and much more. I have absolutely no remorse.
I thank God repeatedly, for discovering you and your site. I wanted to celebrate with you and others. It’s been a couple years or more now. I’m at peace. I thought it may be helpful for others to know they can also let go and move on. To experience a joyful and happy life.
I wanted to share this testimony with everyone, especially you. Yes, it is hard work. And it CAN be done.
God’s Blessings to everyone who reads this. It’s 2026 and perhaps time for some to make decisions and begin a new and wonderful journey.
I see myself in so much of what was written here. About 3 years for us and this was 1st year I didn’t even receive a Happy Birthday in December. No contact for Christmas either. The holidays are so hard that way when other families are enjoying them. I am very much struggling to move forward but all your points here Sheri are VERY helpful and telling. Letting go is an ok thing and still keep love for them in your one broken heart. May GOD be the strength of my heart. Praying for this every day.
Sheri, Thank you. This is everything I needed to hear. Thank you.
I found the steps clarifying for another unhealthful relationship I’ve been contemplating stepping back from. Thank you so much for posting. Your articles have blessed me tremendously.
I needed to hear this message, I’ve been negotiating with myself about when will I stop trying to reconnect. For now, I’m taking a step back from my own preoccupation about the estrangement and its impact on family. I’m choosing peace for my mind, heart and soul. I always have hope, faint as it is. It’s time to rest, and find new beginnings for myself. Thank you for this wonderful timely article.
Thank you so much for this! My daughter is verbally and emotionally abusive, and my husband keeps “saving” her, meaning giving her money she spends on weed instead of groceries or gas. I’m completely exhausted and very sad, but this confirms I’m on the right path by limiting exposure to her.
The holidays are always the hardest. I’ve be estranged from my son going on 4 years now. The first few years were unbearable, I would breakdown in tears at work thinking about my son. Time is making the distance a bit “ easier “ to deal with, but he’s ALWAYS ON MY MIND. I often wonder, if a day came when we actually met, how would it be? My birthday is the first of January, I wondered if I’d hear from him. But that thought was quickly answered. By no acknowledgment. It cuts like a knife, but I know, in my heart I am a good person. He has been influenced by his wife who is insecure in herself and chooses to keep influencing him that his Sister and I are against her, which, by the way was NEVER the case. Although, things may be different now.
This is a great article and really hits home for me. I had to finally walk away. I just knew it was a must. I had been through the back and forth, the walking on eggshells, the whole 9 yards. I just did not feel like continuing on was the right thing to do anymore. Thank you Sheri, what an honest article.
For me, after a long while 10 years and no contact but repeated hurt was all I could tolerate.
There was no more fight or effort or caring left in me. So I stopped trying, thinking and gave it up. My daughter invades my thoughts from time to time, but the hurt she perpetrated blots her out now.
This is unimaginable and incomprehensible. But finally, necessary.
This may not be considered as forgiving, but this is how it went for me.
I felt all eight and that’s why I did it. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you. I stepped back several years ago my way wasn’t working. No happy birthdays no happy mothers days. I still wish her a happy birthday. Do I still love her? Of course! But I had to let go for my own sake. I dont fully understand her choice, but i have accepted it. I realized it still hurts deep inside. But not like It used to.
Hi Kama,
Being able to not understand but accept something (because it’s real and happening) is a quality of wisdom. I’m glad it doesn’t hurt the way it once did.
HUGS,
Sheri