Parents of estranged adult children:
Can Thanksgiving be a time of harvest?
by Sheri McGregor, M.A.
This Thanksgiving, many will notice the physically empty chairs around the table. Probably, they’ll be sadly aware of the psychological presence of missing an estranged adult child.
Thanksgiving, for parents of estranged adult children, can bring sadness over the absence of a son or daughter that once fit so uniquely into the holidays (and every day). While frustration, regret, anger, and sadness are typical responses, try contemplating Thanksgiving in another way—a way that helps you take care of yourself and even moves you forward.
Thanksgiving for parents of estranged adult children:
Set yourself on a forward path
Clear, Rest, and Restart: While it’s natural to mourn the loss, try thinking of the holiday in terms of the harvest it is so often intertwined with. This time of year involves clearing away, to make way for the rest and recuperation that leads to an eventual new beginning. If you find that you’re in a rush to fill the void, consider that a farmer clears the fields for a fallow season—which allows the soil to rest and recoup for later new crops. We too can clean the slate for a new start.
Self-Care and Self-Compassion: For some parents of estranged adult children, this could involve a physical clearing away. If you turned to comfort food during the trauma of estrangement, maybe you’ll start a new health routine to lose excess weight. Physical exercise can be a way to energize dormant muscles, and build strength. Healthful foods and plenty of sleep are ways to take care of your physical body, which will also help you emotionally. Take kind care of yourself. Be your own best friend, and step with strength and energy into a brighter future.
Physical Space: Other parents of estranged adult children will clear a physical space like a closet by weeding through things an estranged son or daughter left behind. Is there a box of items you’ve been holding onto, but that makes you sad? Maybe keeping physical items also keeps you emotionally stuck. While it may not be wise to dump everything on a whim, weeding through held items, and perhaps letting go of some things will help. In my case, it was helpful when another person assisted by going through left items, and disposing of actual trash. I could then re-box what might be held for my estranged son, or donated. The box got smaller, and so did my estranged son’s presence in my thoughts. That meant the influence of his estrangement over my emotional well-being—my everyday mood and happiness—grew smaller, too.
Mental Help: For some parents of estranged adult children, the clearing away will be more about losing unhealthy mental habits that dig them into a depressing rut of sadness and pain. Looping thoughts that go over and over the hurt can be traded for new and more positive thinking that spurs you forward to embrace your own happiness. As I say in my books to help parents of estranged adults, moving forward doesn’t necessarily mean giving up. You can hold out hope, even while taking care of yourself. Move into your own happy future—so that if or when your estranged adult child rejoins your life, you’ll be strong and well, ready for the energy and wit that reconciliation may require.
Gratitude: Thanksgiving every day
Any discussion of Thanksgiving, for parents of estranged adults or anyone, would be incomplete without talk of gratitude. As I say in my books, while the practice of gratitude may sound all gooey and wonderful, it does work. Gratitude attunes us to finding the good. A grateful attitude helps no matter how long your adult child has been estranged, whether you’re in the throes of disbelief or years past the separation. Focusing on what’s good can shift your perception to a more abundant outlook, making each day a new adventure.
I chose to post this in early October for Canadians. Thanksgiving for parents of estranged adult children in Canada comes more than a month earlier than for people in the U.S. But the holiday’s ideals are wise for all year long.
To get the benefits, gratitude requires repetition. It’s the practice of gratitude that makes a difference. The Thanksgiving holiday arrives once annually, but a grateful attitude brings a harvest of blessings every day. Benefits like better sleep and health—as is discussed in my books at length, with current research and studies. Gratitude reaps practical benefits. Help yourself to a healthy serving of thanks each and every day.
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Related articles:
How to heal with an adult child’s rejection
Cut off by adult children: What do you prescribe for yourself?
Holidays for parents rejected by adult children
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I am thinking of calling and if no answer, text and ask is she ever going to come back and be a part of the family. If not then change our will. I believe all of this is coming from her husband. He has cut his family out, then comes back, then leaves again. It’s been a cycle ever since they’ve been married. Now after 11 years of marriage at the time this started, he said she is now sticking with me and forgetting about y’all. It’s been almost 4 years. Last year we were asked to come visit. We had two visits and then nothing. No return calls or texts.
This has almost killed me. I have thought horrible things about myself. My son told me I was going to die alone. This is a boy that I have loved and love with all my heart and soul. But I am taking back my life. I ordered the book and with prayer and learning how to focus on as well as take care of myself I think I will rise above the evil that has stolen my son from me.
I read your 1st book & worked thru alot of issues. The holidays were tough but, as you mention, we have to realize that we are worthy of having a happy life. I’ve been estranged from my daughter going into 5 years. I at 1st would look at pictures, gifts etc & cry but reading, working on “things” a little at a time has put me in a good place in my life ! I too started going thru things & got rid of things that are just being stored. It feels good to go thru STUFF & say goodbye, I love you but …. I’m over it! To all you going thru this remember… “Life is what YOU MAKE IT, so enjoy it”! I sure am. Get out & just do something that makes YOU feel good, you will make new friends & realize “I’m really happy “. I pray every morning & night for comfort & peace… I hope you find comfort, peace, joy as well. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.. HAPPY TURKEY DAY & MERRY CHRISTMAS
Let them go in love.
Thank you for your posts. They really help me alot!
You’re welcome, Sandy.
Hugs,
Sheri McGregor
I stopped sending cards four years ago. I raised my children to always send a thank you note when they received a gift, which in my case was money enclosed in the card for their birthday. I never received any type of a thank you or an acknowledgment that they got it. I stopped sending them and have never regretted it. It’s been seven years since I last saw or heard from them. I think of them every single day but I have to move on. Yes it’s hard. Some days worse than others but I’m okay. My answer to this is prayer, EVERY SINGLE DAY. God has this, it’s no longer my battle to fight.
I think it’s wise not to send any more presents. I,too, have been hurt by adult children who don’t write me a thank you. So now I give to charities at Xmas and feel a lot better. I know their estrangement is not my doing. They are adults living their own life and making their own decisions.
I started taking a card from Christmas tree for needy kids. It feels good to help families that need & appreciate it.