The turning point

by Sheri McGregor, M.A.

rejected by sonAll over the world, as businesses shuttered and people sheltered in place during the Covid-19 lockdown, parents rejected by adult children began to hope. Maybe their sons and daughters would have a change of heart. Unfortunately, for the vast majority of members to my Rejected Parents Facebook page and/or this site, their hope was fruitless.

For those who did hear from their estranged adult children, it was by text, in conversations  that often went something like this:

How are you?

Dad and I are fine. How about you? Are you and XX okay?

Fine.

That’s good. I’ve been thinking of you. Love you guys.

Then comes S-I-L-E-N-C-E.

done with the cryingAs the social distancing and isolation has continued, more and more parents have expressed their dismay. If a pandemic can’t get a wayward son or daughter to care about them, then nothing will.

Have you experienced this sort of letdown? Did you hope, maybe send a text or two, yet receive little or nothing in response?

Many moms and dads call the lack of concern shameful, a disgrace. Deafening silence or a a bare minimum response triggers a resurgence of all their emotional pain. Even parents who have worked hard to regain their footing feel bewildered and rejected again. They find themselves back to asking WHY?

Don’t Get Stuck

The takeaway from this pandemic is something others have learned in other ways:

  • A father whose heart attack and near-death experience didn’t prompt his daughters to care or call.
  • A mother whose life-threatening illness brought nothing but meanness, and accusations the disease was her own damn fault.
  • A parent whose adult children didn’t care when a grandparent faced life-and-death circumstances or a beloved family pet died.

Don’t get stuck in the sad stage. Don’t allow the shocking cruelty of someone you once knew and loved to dictate your life.

Turning point

Is this pandemic, and the lack of care or concern from your estranged adult child, a turning point? Make positive changes for yourself now. You’ve done your best to love your child, to empathize, to try to understand….

If there was ever a turning point, this is it. What will you do to change for the better?

I hope that you will use my book, Done With The Crying, to help yourself. It’s available in paperback, as an e-book, and on audio. If you get the e- or audio book, be sure to get the accompanying Done With The Crying WORKBOOK: for Parents of Estranged Adult Children so you don’t miss the exercises.  What can you do today to fight past the shock and dismay, and move toward your own healing and happiness? The book’s exercises offer specific assistance to aid your journey forward.

If you already have the book, what did you find most useful? I hope you will leave a comment. Parents who come to this website find relief in knowing there are other parents who understand.

Hugs (and happy Mother’s Day 2020).

Sheri McGregor

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93 thoughts on “The turning point

  1. Rosa B.

    I reached out to my two sons a few weeks ago, and only one text me back to say “I don’t wish you any thing bad, but I am disappointed on you”. I was hoping that this worldwide pandemic will change their hearts, but I was incorrect again. I have been dealing with this issue for almost five years. I am praying and have left this situation and pain in God hands. I pray and bless them. I made some many attempts to talk my sons, and every time I did, I ended up crying and feeling that I got kicked in my face. I wish everyone mother a Happy Mother’s Day. God bless you all. God is helping all of us.

    Reply
    1. rparents Post author

      Hi Rosa,
      Thank you for contributing your experience here for other parents. I’m sorry that you have been caused such pain by your two sons. Please stay well and safe.

      Hugs, Sheri McGregor

    2. Patrick

      Thank you for the great article. You are fortunate that you have the ability to contact your sons, be glad for that aspect of your relationship. My son went silent in 2015-2016, his mother helps keep him alienated from me but I don’t blame her. There isn’t an hour that goes by that I long to contact my son, I am very glad for this website and all the support. Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms out there!

    3. Cynthia H.

      Sending blessings to you, too, Rosa! I am also holding on to faith. Finding support here is a also a gift.
      Thank you to Sheri and all the moms sharing their pain and strength.

    4. cheralyse

      Rosa,
      I’m sending you a virtual hug, warm and fuzzy. Please do something especially nice for
      yourself today.

    5. Agnes

      I am so sorry. What I have found is that there are so many young adults that need parents. I have become a sort of “foster” parent to them. It helps to ease the pain. I pray that loving people come to you so you can create new experiences and memories.

    6. Theresa

      Hi
      My birthday and Mother’s Day are my hardest days. One of my adult son and daughter has done this to me. My advice I use to give cost me the loss of them and my grandchildren. It’s been 3 yrs for me. What I know now is I should of never gave advice and just kept my mouth shut. All I do now is wait for my grandchildren to become of age and see if they want a relationship with me. Something for me to hope for. It’s very embarrassing that my kids did this to me and hurtful especially how everyone new how close we were at onetime.

      I was a single parent and I made my kids come first. I did the best I did with no tools how to be a great parent. Thank god my younger son is in my life and they disowned him too. My younger son had multiple sclerosis and they don’t talk to him either. It’s ok I’m my son’s caregiver and won’t walk out on him, a parent for life.

    7. Oceanspeace

      This pandemic has caused a turning point for me. I have not had a restoration with my daughter, but as the death toll mounted from the virus, and I am in a high risk group, I began to think I should reach out to her again to make sure my last words were in love should anything happen. But, I hesitated as I did not want her anger and downright evil comments to slap me down again. So instead I went back to our last conversation, which was by text, as she had blocked my calls, and realized my last words were indeed in love and letting her know how important she is too me. I felt it best to leave it there, I am feeling better than I have in a year knowing I left things well and there is really nothing I can do until she resolves her mental health issues which I know are the root of the issue.

    8. Francine

      I agree. Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful that did our best when we cared for now grown adult i have 4 grown adult children who 3 are in touch almost always that 4 one is in class all my himself but ihis girlfriend always wishes me best on all holidays and my granddaughter as well i take that and move on.

    9. India H.

      I don’t remember how to get into site (username/password) , so forgive me for glomming onto your message. I am sorry tor your experiences with your sons. How wise for you to turn this over to God.
      I find that i need to keep doing that. With these holidays, of course i hope to hear from my estranged daughter. Of course, moving toward any positive communication would mark any ordinary day as a holiday.
      Right now, i am so concerned about her. She is in NYC & is an artist without work. Before the corona virus, i think she struggled significantly. Now, i don’t know how she is getting by. Her father & i hv been divorced since she was a youngster. Now at 25, she remains close to him & has shut me out. I have apologized for any/everything i can think of.
      While we did hv problems in her latter teen years, we had many good years together. However, she was traumatized by a seemingly never ending divorce.
      I wanted her to hv “the village” on both sides of the family. Her dad did not. So much trouble was created.
      And, for a # of years she has been dealing with the fallout of this.
      It is so wrong for her to hv endured these things. And i do not know when she will be able to feel whole & move forward in a positive way. It has affected her personal & professional life.
      Thank you for “listening”. I consider this a prayer via this forum. It does help to express this here, as my friends & acquaintances do not understand.

    10. Susan

      I’m so very sorry. Each year I hope to hear from my
      two daughters but there is only silence. It’s been six years this month since they last spoke to me. I feel empty and hopeless. I hope you find peace. And I hope you hear from your boys very soon.

      Xo

    11. Nancy L.

      My adult daughter has been estranged from me for almost 6 years and she lives only two blocks away from me! I have not seen her or heard from her in all that time. And, oh, the guilt and remorse and apologies I have given could fill an entire room! Again, she ignored me on Mother’s Day, but…for the first time, I did not care. I truly did not care. This is the question I asked myself and then answered it: If this adult child were not biologically related from birth, would I want someone that cold, cruel, indifferent, self-centered, unforgiving in my life? Answer: Absolutely not! I think the reason so many parents like us keep hoping, praying, crying is more about the Idea of the relationship than the Reality of it. And remember, were you constantly crying, grieving, mourning, hurting, hoping, obsessing before you ever had children? My guess is NO. You were a whole person before you ever had a child and you are still a whole person. Remember who you are! These rejecting adult children should be grateful that they have parents that care so much. But they do not care. Repeat: They do not care. So why do you care so much? You do NOT NEED your adult children. You may want them (or think you do) but you do not need them. My grief has been endless, but it has stopped. Now I grieve for you and for COVID-19 victims and their families ,and for kind and generous people who are suffering. Do not waste your precious love and grief on unwilling and rejecting people, including your own children. Our rejecting children are not our friends. I would prefer any of you who are reading this, who understand this, who has suffered this, to be my friend. I send love, understanding, support, and truth to you all.

    12. Lisa R

      Rosa B
      Your story is very very similar to mine .My only two children both sons estranged one is 10 years the other two . I too have tried for years and nothing . I at times say when is the turning point will there ever be one ? If so would it be real or worth it ? I read Done with crying a few years ago . It helped tremendously but ofcourse at times I have tough days . We don’t deserve this cruelty. Like you said it’s in Gods hands . I hold onto what I once had with them love & memories

    13. Jacqueline

      I’m sorry that you to are going through this. I had hoped that atleast one of my three adult son’s would have asked is there any thing that I may need. As I’m disabled and I had no buisnes doing the shopping at all. I even wrote my middle son of the three to see if I can drop off groceries for him because he’s the only one living by himself. He answered no. I still have his birthday presents from April 8th. I did get a text back from my youngest son for the first time ever saying that he was good but that was the extent. My oldest never replied at all. I spent thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, my birthday and mother’s day without one word. I have gotten to where I want to give up. I keep hoping that they’ll have a change of heart but it’s taking everything I’ve got mentally and physically. My health issues are worsening an I’ve never been so scared of dying alone. May you find some peace of mind in all that you are going through.

    14. Janet P.

      I too reached out and asked how my daughters were coping, wondered if they cared enough to ask after me, but I guess they do not. I am coming to terms with the fact that they have no interest in me or my health.

    1. Kimberley

      To Nancy L, I keep reading your post over and over because I know you are right. I just can’t grasp how heartless my entire family is. My dear husband suffered from October 2018 from complications from an esophagectomy until he died in September of 2019. We live on the SW slope of CO and the best hospital was 6 hours away in Denver. We lived there for 6 months. When we were home I was his sole caregiver. He couldn’t swallow anything. Everything went through his j tube. He was in constant pain despite all the oxycodone I gave him every four hours. He went from a robust 190 pound man to 120 pound skeleton. I was his advocate and he was my source of strength. I pleaded with my daughters and sister to be with me. They didn’t like to call only text. My husband and I missed everything. We spent every holiday in the hospital. We missed births, funerals, weddings and our families. My daughter once texted me. “WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?” I realized then they didn’t want to see us. They went on vacations but never offered to come see us. I couldn’t understand it. If esophageal cancer, holidays, birth, death and a pandemic didn’t make them care then why should I care about them? They blocked me while he was dying. I couldn’t even call them. There was a final call and my husband heard it on his death bed. My oldest said “Just because you are going through a hard time doesn’t mean you can treat your children like garbage. You will lose us and be stuck with (my husbands children)”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. But my husband said it wasn’t me and that he knew my daughters. He would have told me if it was my fault. We had an amazing relationship. He was an excellent judge of character. Everyone loved my husband. He was the kindest man I ever knew. He never complained. Always positive. My youngest daughter had her first child 3 days after my husband died. I wasn’t told until 12 days later in an email from my son-in-law that read, “Mother and daughter are fine. Your daughter does not want a relationship with you at this time.” I have not heard from anyone in my family since my husband died last September. We were so close once. My daughters called me for advice all the time and my oldest accused me of being “pathologically nice”. Now they accuse me of having mental disorders. Both my therapists have not seen any signs of a mental disorder but told me that after 11 months of Hell I would probably have several symptoms of many disorders. I didn’t need drugs or a psychiatrist, I needed my family’s support. My therapist asked me a vital question after I recounted how I had raised my daughters, my mistakes, and how much my husband (their stepfather whom they could find no fault) and I had been there for them. My daughters are 38 and 33, but they act like 12 year olds. My therapist asked me what had they done for me. I still can’t think if a damn thing. I know I have to let go, but they took my past present and future from me and left me on my own to grieve for my husband. That’s not love, that’s not family! I don’t really want anything to do with them, but I needed them to want me. I was a stay at home mom and I felt like I wasted my life. I wish I had chosen a different career than motherhood. It’s not as rewarding as I thought it would be. Fortunately, I have many friends and my in-laws who are my family now. I also got a dog on Mother’s Day and she is filling a crater in my heart. My grandchildren are the real victims. We were so close and I have no idea what they are telling them. I took my daughters out of my will and left their share to my grandchildren. I hate that I am missing them growing up and I don’t even have a picture of my new granddaughter. I send them cards and gifts and take pictures of everything I send so if they ever come to see me I can show them I didn’t abandon them. Their own parents took them away.

  2. Pam

    Tough day …but your advice is spot on. Can’t sit here in a grieving pattern the rest of my life. Thanks for being a place of support and understanding among all the heartache, confusion and despair.

    Reply
    1. rparents Post author

      Hi Pam,

      Your use of “grieving pattern” made me think of “flight pattern,” which makes me say: Take Flight! In a good way … as in you can find a way to soar despite it all.

      Hugs,
      Sheri McGregor

    2. cheralyse

      Pam,
      great reminder to get up and make what’s left of our life as satisfying as possible.

  3. Lynne

    Thank you for this encouraging article. It did sum up my experience with this virus and trying to understand how my estranged child did not reach out to me. I did reach out like so many of us loving parents did. This may have been a time of Truly being able to move on. I like the thought of not giving someone else the keys to your happiness. I have done that for far too long. There was one good thing that came out of all this horrible pandemic. It completely opened my eyes to see my child. I know even if my child was in my life I would never be treated with love. The relationship would just be painful. So now I do feel stronger and think about all the kind and caring things I did for my child. I know my happiness must be in my realationship with the Lord and not be dependent on the behavior of my child. Happy Mothers Day to you Sheri and all the Moms of estranged children. ❤️

    Reply
    1. cheryl

      Amen Lynn, I have a similar situation with my son. (who is a police officer) I continue to pray for him daily in mind, body and spirit, that God be with him and uplift him to be the man that God intended him to be. The enemy has a foothold on his mind. And that is the truth. I think all I can control is my reaction to this truly evil stance that has a hold of him. This is a spiritual battle, that I am not going to loose to the enemy. when i prayed about this the thought that came to mind is ‘the battle belongs to the lord” I am a warrior. when I meet the lord all i have to be is responsible for is MY actions and reactions. I see thru and know who is behind this and the test before me. Pray for them every day, when you are weary seek council of others in the same situation, lift one another other up, but keep on praying. You do hold the keys to your happiness. Don’t let go of either one.

    2. Corene F.

      Oh my you hit it spot on! Through this pandemic and the fact our son not only did not respond to my texts asking about their welfare but also has not even cared enough to inquire about his only grandparents suffering from cancer and poor health in general ( they’re in their late 80’s) I’ve once again reached the same conclusions… I need to trust God “has this”. We’ve given him all our love and every possible advantage in life throughout his entire life. I don’t expect anything as far as gratitude etc but a little common courtesy might be nice instead of verbally abusive texts. It’s been a year since his last communication this time ( off/on for 20 yrs now) This time is different in that I’ve realized through resources such as Sheri’s book and other Christian based resources as well that I don’t have to allow anyone to treat me like garbage, especially my own son.

    3. Secondchance

      I have just learnt that my ES has moved interstate. His older brother supports him and both have reprimanded me for caring too much and wanting to check on my son when he had been abused by his now wife. Right from the start she had a plan to alienate him from his family and to drive a rift between us. I cannot believe the cold change in my son and how he treated me when I was so ill in hospital. I have been on the brink of suicide so many times but have always thought of my grandchildren and how it would hurt them and my husband. I have never felt depression so raw as I have over the past two years of turmoil and my hatred for my sons wife had been so strong. I just want that close connection I once had with my son again and no matter what I will never give up hope. I can’t sleep or concentrate on anything very well. It’s been almost a year with no contract after fighting an intervention order that his Asian wife put on me. I work as a teacher and my students have great respect for me yet my son continues to treat me this way with his older brother who stands by him no matter what. I feel exhausted and worthless

  4. Lynda

    After multiple attempts to reach to my son which resulted in no reply, a short generic response when my mother died a couple of months ago and a cold dismissive response when my dad died in the summer I thought that this might be the time.
    I sent one final communication addressing all that has happened and what is going on, shared thoughts on moving forward, apologized for hurting him, said the door is always open and I love him.
    This resulted in the same pattern of email which was aggressive, autocratic and hurtful.
    Rather responding immediately I sat with them this time and found the courage to let him know that I would not be contacting him again. That I am gifting him what he has asked for and shown he wants through his words and actions.

    Then I found your book and this website which is giving me the strgnth to do what honours me and who I know I am.
    It was his birthday this week and I did not reach out. This was extremely difficult so I wrote his birthday wishes in my journal.
    Today is mothers day and I have no expectation however still feel the sadness, though not as gut wrenchingly.
    I stand tall knowing the mother I was to him and continue to be to my two other children. I embrace my imperfections, my learning and my growth which has enabled me to say enough is enough. My mother’s words guide me forward as I acknowledge that he has made his choices.

    On this mothers day I honour all mothers, my mother and me. We all continue to do the best we can.

    Blessings & Happy Mother’s Day

    Reply
    1. cheryl

      Lynda, Thank you for posting I am encouraged by your loving response to the horrible evil that you are faced with. I will keep you in prayer. Thank you

    2. Red

      Lynne, your thoughts and words sounds so like my experience. My estranged youngest son is now 48 years old and hasn’t spoken to his father and I for 4 very hard and hurtful years. If I just knew the way I think I could let go but I have written letters, emailed and telephoned but we are blocked in every way. Even tho at Mother’s Day he would send me flowers. But this year nothing , I think he is sending a message loud and clear to me . I to was a stay at home mom, my children were my life. One would think that he would be concerned during this coronavirus of wellbeing of his parents. He was always a loving child and attentive adult to us but now nothing. His wife who is very successful business person told him he talked more to me than she talked to her mother. I am trying to move on with my life but it’s like so much joy has left me. I pray for my son and for God to heal my family, we have to give it over to him and trust in him.

  5. Sally C.

    Your remarks are spot on. It’s been two years since we’ve been estranged from one of our sons. . It’s be cause our daughter in law has never liked or respected us. We feel she has always been jealous of the special relationship we’ve had with this son. I use to think their should be a “ support group for mother in laws “. He does call occasionally but only when she is not around. He has brought his sons to see us but the conversation is kept at a superficial level. We spent a year grieving, in the end we’ve had to accept a new “normal “ . The hurt will always be with us but we savor the love and support we receive from our other two children.

    Reply
    1. Susan L.

      I can relate so well to your posting.
      My daughter in law was becoming colder and colder to me and has never given me the time of day to sit down and have a good talk about what’s bothering her. I’ve definitely made some mistakes over the years but by the same token I have never said an unkind word about her and always made sure to remember her birthday’s etc.
      Last year she became enraged over what I considered a misunderstanding and cut me out of her life.

    2. beachlover

      To Sally C: I have a similar situation with my Daughter In Law. I always explained her actions as : “She doesn’t want to be merely first in my son’s heart, she wants to be the only one there.” Thank god they don’t have kids, so I am not missing that. I don’t believe she wants to share him even with children. He is always quite different around us when she is not present, but walking the line of being our son while also her husband just got to be too much for him. Almost, I feel sorry for him because he was quite close to the extended family as well, but she has managed to dampen that too. And so he’s alone, with her., as she wants.
      I have a wonderful and loving son who gives me all the affection I could want, so there is at least that.
      Stay well and all the best ahead.

  6. Judy A.

    Happy Mother’s. Day to all of you!
    A few years ago I sent my daughter a
    Mother’s Day card that was stamped and addressed to me!
    All she had to do was sign it and drop it in the mail. I guess
    that was just too much for her because I never received it back. I wonder if she got a chuckle out of it before she tossed it.
    I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day! We all did the best we could at the time. With love, Judy

    Reply
  7. Sharon

    Here too I was so hoping that the pandemic would change things – maybe a realization that life is fleeting and precious, and that mothers are to be treasured and appreciated. That it’s time to grow up and be a man at 28!! I was a really good mother, always there for my one and only anytime he needed me – as recently as a half year ago when he wanted advice. But since I became extremely ill, he wants nothing to do with me. When I told him the general nature of my illness, he scoffed at me, and it’s been months since he’s been in touch. My heart is broken. There may be a text by the end of the day, but I deserve a card, a call, a flower, a gift, a Skype, SOMETHING for the deep abiding love I showered on him for all these years. Mistakes? I made them. Like maybe even telling him I was ill. Shouldn’t “burden” a 28 year old with that information? Apologies? I’ve said many wholeheartedly and with amends. But honestly I believe I get an A- overall for mothering. Was a stay at home mom who did it all. Why can’t he throw me a bone of appreciation? I’m very sad, there’s no way to overlook it. I take solace in that I’m in good company, but I cry for the misery of other mothers too. My illness amidst this pandemic makes it all the worse. And my son is a health care worker to boot!
    It’s hard to love when you’re so neglected and ghosted. But if he needed me, I’d probably open my grieving heart to help him. A mother’s love is the most forgiving.

    Reply
    1. Debra R.

      I understand, Sharon. I also thought my daughter would help me when I became sick. I stupidly thought at some point would sell my place and either help them buy a place for us all, or build me something on their property. Boy was i in for a shock. It is very hurtful. I did all could for my grandparents when they became sick. I thought that’s what you did.

  8. Paula B.

    Sheri,
    I read your book then read it again and made notes on my own situation. Although I reached out to one of my estranged kids receiving no response, i started to feel sad again but then I came to the conclusion these are people I just dont know. The behaviour they’ve displayed is not how I raised them but who they are as adults. I knew I could not allow myself to go back to where I once was and let myself down with all the work I’ve vested in me. You see I couldn’t chase things that I can’t control but more importantly I could not allow myself to slip backwards. It’s been a long hard road to get to where I am, and I honestly don’t think I could allow myself to be vulnerable to any reconciliation. Tried it, failed and was suicidal. I cannot go back to that darkness again. We share a bloodline, that’s all, I view it as children I gave up for adoption. Maybe I’m wrong but it’s how I’ve coped.

    Reply
    1. Connie B

      Paula B, I was suicidal today , really just broken.
      I’ve had the suicidal thoughts before, but today after not even a peep, I felt like I just couldn’t hurt like this anymore .
      Reading your comment touched me , it’s encouraged me to have another way of looking at this!
      I really don’t know him as an adult and it Resonated with me , you saying look at them as a child you gave up for adoption .
      We never know what we may say that helps another, but that helped me, so thank you .
      I feel your story , my goodness, so grateful for this community .

  9. Sherry r.

    To me, this is merely another day of misery, tears to get through. Mothet’s day should be every day and NOT JUST ONE DAY OF THE YEAR!! if your mother is yet alive honor, treasure and cherish her no matter what you feel she has done to you nor the HATRED AND BAD THINGS YOU HAVE TOWARD’S HER NOT THE TRUE AND DEEP HATRED YOU HAVE FOR HER!!

    Reply
  10. Kristi

    I had my turning point a while before the pandemic. The pandemic solidified for me that 2 of my kids just don’t care about us. The good thing is, I no longer care. I have moved on with my life. Today is Mother’s Day. I don’t expect to hear from any of my kids. If I get a text or call it will be a blessing but, I won’t be disappointed if I don’t. I trust that God is in control and in His time, if it is His will, my family will be restored. I’m letting Him do His job while I stay busy living my best life for Him.
    I pray all of you come to a place of peace in your rejection situations.
    Fear does not stop death. It stops life. Worry does not take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace.
    Peace and love,
    Kristi

    Reply
    1. Lori

      Thank you, Kristi. I’ve finally come to the same sort of peace with this heartbreaking situation, although it has taken years.
      A friend gave me a little sign that says, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” That has really helped, believe it or not!

    2. Terri

      Kristi
      Thank you for sharing this. I’ve had trouble finding peace. What you said about fear and worry makes sense and has given me something to this I about. Prayers to all the mother’s on Mother’s Day.

    3. Susie B.

      I love what you wrote! I too have gone on with living my best life after being bullied and mistreated by my daughter resulting in estrangement from my beautiful 1 1/2 yr old grandson . My heart still breaks when I think about my little angel but I am so lucky to have a wonderful son, his girlfriend is the best, my man has a wonderful son and daughter who love and respect us. Mother’s Day was ok. I didn’t expect to hear from the evil one and her pot head husband . My friends and family made my day so special . God bless to all the great mothers out there, who put their children first and are now suffering from estrangement . Know you were a good parent. Shame on them.

  11. Deb

    Thank you again for reminding me that I am not alone. Your articles are always so timely and spot on….its like you know what is in my heart and soul. I too am in disbelief that I could have a daughter that I love so much even helping her raise my grandkids could completely cut off any contact with me. I too am always trying to understand the why but can’t.

    Like most mom’s we have spent years taking care of everyone but ourselves. It’s sometimes hard to take care of me….today I will plant flowers and soak up the sunshine. I hope you all do something nice for yourself too:)

    Thank you Sheri for helping us all through this!

    Reply
  12. Anne

    Thank you, Sheri for your constant, thoughtful support for estranged parents wherever we are. I’m in the UK and like others, hoped the Covid virus might have brought some sense of proportion to my sons. Both were wooed away by insecure, possessive, controlling women. One has 3 boys aged 2-10 yrs. The other is now separated after a relationship lasting 17yrs but will not communicate even now. Old habits, I guess.
    I feel disappointed that my two previously loving sons seem to have no strength of character, vision or compassion. My dearest wish is that someone they respect might take the time to help them to see the negative consequences of their behaviour.
    This is such an extraordinary time, I thought it might soften their stubborn hearts. Seems not.
    I have despaired but see life as a gift and am living it to the full. Having children was part of my life experience but the rest is mine to do with as I choose – health permitting! Keep safe and well everyone.

    Reply
    1. Mia

      Ugh… this holiday is so sad for me.. i truly hoped and prayed during Covid my daughter would at least check on us. My granddaughter would call and shed be in background and never asked how we were or hello..no heart. I would never have been so cold to my mother or anyone. im in US and one daughter lives in England with wonderful husband and grandson (always thinks of me) and other here but just doesnt care..my therapist says shes trapped in alcohol addiction is main reason.. we’re not estranged but she makes no effort towards me and her dad. She did give us an incredible granddaughter and i thank God for her! My wonderful husband and doggy taking me out for drive thru coffee (only thing open in the covid time) for a fancy coffee and country drive. Hes an angel who lives for me but it doesnt make up for the crushing pain i feel. My therapist reminds me to put this in Gods hands. Thank you lord for what i DO have. Please please open my daughters eyes and heart. We did everything for her. Her daughter sees this and hurts for us too. Guess she doesnt think about what her daughter may do with her later on.
      Love to all you moms. My hearts with you all

  13. Gail

    It is impossible for me to reach out to my daughter electronically because she has blocked me from all forms of communication. On March 13 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I wrote her a short, caring note to let her know and to advise her to tell her doctor that she is higher risk. Her husband “secretly “ texted me his best wishes. (I’m sure she didn’t know he did. She would never have allowed it.) Complete silence from her.
    Last year I sent her a Mother’s Day card. She sent it back.
    I do not foresee a change in her behavior, pandemic or not.

    Reply
    1. Mia

      Shocking and cold. I wonder if shes ever heard “you reap what you sow”….
      GOD loves you and i know i would too if i met you.. God heal and keep you well.

      A big hug from me to you:)

    2. Joan

      Sherri, many of us already have, or will find ourselves in a similar situation to Gail’s. I have decided that I will not contact my daughter if I have a serious disease, since she has cut off all forms of communication, like Gail’s daughter. However, I am wondering what to do if I were to become terminally ill…as in dying. Would you consider writing a blog about this topic?
      I have read forums where some of the adult estranged children would not wish to be at their parent’s deathbed, and some would. It’s hard to know how they feel about it, since they don’t communicate with us. It’s a hard call. I don’t know if I could handle the rejection, if I were to contact her and she didn’t want to come. But then again, I think I could be strong enough… Your thoughts are appreciated.
      Gail, I wish you the best as you travel down this road with breast cancer. I will say a prayer for you.

    3. rparents Post author

      Dear Joan,

      I think the important thing is to consider what YOU would want if you became ill. There is a long section in the book that covers the deathbed issue, and it’s designed with questions to fully examine your situation, what might occur, who else is involved, etc. Do you want your EC as your next of kin? You can choose the most sensible person. This whole issue had many facets and is definitely something that needs to be considered ahead of any potential crisis. Then preparations can be put in place so that it’s not a worry to be dealt with under duress.

      Hugs to you,
      Sheri McGregor

  14. Bette H.

    There is a holiday every month except August which is my birthday month,…lol. We get plenty of practice letting go and I wonder if there will ever be a time when it just doesn’t even matter anymore.

    I know in my heart that I loved my entire extended family and those in my folks’ generation were quick to generously love me back. They are gone, but their love still sustains me.

    Peace to all,
    Bette

    Reply
    1. Storm

      Grateful for Sheri’s book it was a good support. Done with all the research on estrangement. 4 months of crying, grieving etc is enough. Still do a bit of reading about estrangement and cry A little but not so angry.
      I choose to envelop ES in compassion or smile on him when wind chime chimes.
      I’m not sure why he chose to throw me out with bath water … maybe he’s in survival mode, needs to protect himself from influencer.
      I do know, ES like all of us, are conditioned by the people and environment around us.
      Warm wishes to all

  15. Cindy

    To all the mothers , I wish you a happy Mother’s Day! My husband and I raised three sons, our eldest and identical twins boys. The youngest twin stopped communicating with the entire family over a year ago. As a very close family where we had always celebrated all birthdays and holidays together we were in shock! We’ve tried to call, text, even flew hundreds of miles to knock on the door with gifts for our granddaughters that we’d been unable to give, but they didn’t open the door. We sadly left the gifts on the porch. The last conversation I had with my estranged son was where he called to say they wouldn’t be joining the family for thanksgiving because his wife felt disrespected. We tried to get more info from his wife but she turned things around and blamed my son. We still don’t understand. Even during this coronavirus we have not heard from him. He doesn’t communicate with his brothers either. It’s the granddaughters and their cousins as well that are sadly affected. They miss their cousins at family gatherings. It’s nice to say find ways to cope but having never really heard of adult estrangement has been really difficult. As a mother it is a loss just as a death but I feel it is a pain more hurtful than death because they are alive and you think what a waste of precious time!! Life is short. I wish all of you well and I know everyone copes as best as they can. Take care and God bless !!

    Reply
    1. Jan

      When will people learn not to choose a bf or gf or husband or wife over their family and friends

  16. Suzanne K.

    My daughter has been estranged for almost 12 years. Your e-mails have helped me so much.
    I have something that happens and I don’t know how to deal with it emotionally. I don’t talk to people about my hurt and confusion anymore, especially since I found your web site. Randomly, someone will ask me if I have heard from my daughter. It sends me into a nauseous, hopeless state and it’s hard to recover.
    How can I let people know how uncomfortable that makes me without sounding rude.

    Reply
    1. Cindy

      I feel the same. Just yesterday my friend asked about my granddaughters and sons I told her about my two sons and their daughters but then she asked about my estranged son I thought I was going to choke!
      I switched back to the two other sons but I hurt so badly.

    2. Valeri

      Suzanne,
      I usually just matter of factly state that we don’t see each other. My counselor suggested telling people “it is too painful to talk about”, which quickly stops the question.
      At times, I tell a little white lie with acquaintances and just state “she is doing well” when asked.
      I find that this gets past those questions. Mine has been over 9 years, and the pain dulls, but never goes away. It does not define my life though.
      Best to you,

  17. Jane W.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I have read your book and it is never very far away from me, I refer to it all the time, there’s so much in that I can relate to (and of others). My estrangement is 9yrs, and no sign of any change, after my ex. husband poisoned her mind and took her away while I was in hospital, she never came back. We occasionally have text contact with a little hope just when you think a end is in sight she pulls it all away again. So forming a pattern. I move forward to get on with my life then she makes contact and I’m back stuck. I’m becoming stronger and not feeling guilt that I’m distancing but I dread the thought I will never see her again or grandchildren when they come or even see her married. Thank you for listening x

    Reply
  18. Holly

    My turning point came 10 months after my daughter told me that she was successful despite me not because of me. I had sent many letters over the course of the 10 months trying to explain and apologize. Her last response was, ” You have not apologized in a meaningful way that matters. Until you can figure that out, nothing will change.” I realized then that she wouldn’t find anything I said to be meaningful. It’s been 19 months now without a word. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of my beautiful daughter and remember the happy times we have had. One thing I grappled with was what to do about my now 2 year-old grand daughter’s birthday and Christmas gifts. I have set up a separate account for her. The money I would have spent on a gift goes into the account. When she turns 18, she will receive that money.

    Reply
  19. merrybump

    This summer will mark 10 years for me. In the past few years a second child has abandoned me. One child out of three still talks to me. I raised them as a single mother. I thought we had a great relationship. I am still struggling. It is encouraging to hear that so many of you have “moved on”. But it always makes me wonder, “What is wrong with me”? Why am I not moving forward? I am in therapy, have been on anti-depressants, read and re-read your book, belong to different groups. I have even gone to psychics to try to get answers. Why am I not moving forward like the rest of you? Am I weak? Or just ridiculously pathetic??

    Reply
    1. Kate

      No, you are not pathetic or weak at all. You are a loving & hurt parent, like the rest of us here, who at least deserves some respect from these adult children. Nine years ago before she dumped me once again, I practically begged my then 40 year old daughter for at least one phone call or text msg a month but have not heard even one word from her since then. That’s just who they are— selfish. I never could’ve done that to my mom or dad. Yesterday I cried off & on most of the day but for some reason, today, I feel okay. I am going to do something I enjoy today even if it’s just some ice cream.

    2. Doreen

      No it is definitely like a death something will never get over and take it to our graves

    3. beachlover

      You are neither; everyone has their own journey through this. A song, an object, even a scent will trigger me once in a while to the point of tears, but they end quickly and I move on, grateful for all that I do have. And it;s a lot, I’m truly blessed. I figure it this way: I held my oldest son very closely for 22 years (until he met my DIL, he is now 30) and if that’s all I got, then that’s the way it is. Many people lose kids younger than that. In our periods of reconciliation, I could see he is no longer that same person that I raised and loved so dearly and that too has helped me let go. Best of luck to you in your own journey of healing.

    4. Kristi

      You are not weak or pathetic. You are hurt. Nothing in life prepares you for that kind of hurt. I truly hope you find peace. What finally helped me (besides my relationship with God) was realizing that I only get 1 life. I and I alone am responsible for my happiness. It is absolutely a choice to decide “today is going to be different, I’m going to live my life the best way I can, I’m enough.” I had to stop doing what I was doing, which was emotionally eating my through depression, obsessing about my EC, and letting the depression consume me. I had to give it all to God and leave it there…it took a long time. People say time heals all things. I disagree. Time dulls the pain but it’s God who heals us. I know He’s in control so I choose to let Him work on restoring my family while I do what He called me to do…love people, including myself! I can truly say I have been set free from the bondage of fear, depression and feeling unworthy of love. I pray that you can find peace soon. I promise you, it is attainable.
      Hugs and prayers to you!
      Kristi

  20. Cynthia

    I am a mother of five young adult children. It is Mother’s Day and four of them will call and give me words of love or flowers or both. But one will do nothing and the nothing will scream failure into my day. I wonder why it is that the expressions of gratitude from the four cannot drown out the way the silence of the one makes me feel. I wonder also why I allow my mothering to be defined by the lost child. But I do. This child who crushes my heart chose silence one year ago, and it came unexpected and shocking and without explanation. On this Mother’s Day I know there are others in this community who are reeling , as I am. It helps just a little to band together here.

    Reply
  21. Patricia E.

    I have two adult daughters. I haven’t heard from either one of them in 6 years. I have texted, sent birthday cards, flowers, money everything. I even went to my older daughters house. I passed her on her street, but wasn’t sure if it was her or not being that I haven’t seen her in 6 years. I parked in front of her house and went to the door knocking. A car stopped in the street and it was my daughter. She was yelling at me without putting the window down shaking her head. I could not hear what she was saying. I stood on the porch. She drove away. I left never to go back and never will. My younger daughters lives 4 blocks from her. They 6 years apart, but best friends. The younger one does whatever the older ones tell her. I was not invited to their weddings. My older daughter was married 3 years ago in Mexico. The younger one was married March 2020 in Iceland. Their father and I are divorced and have been since 2004. We have no contact with each other, even though I have tried. He was a gambler, sex addiction and we lost everything we owned due to gambling debts he endured. He even lost his law license for embezzlement. The girls believe all this was my fault. I don’t know why. They have a relationship with their father.

    Reply
    1. Karen

      Similar story here. My adult daughter worshipped her narcissistic father who created a best friend situation and constantly berated and humiliation me in front of her all the while having a 12 year affair. The fact that he died- has sent her into a tailspin missing her father, who stole her wedding fund to lavish gifts on his lover! I had to suffer through 15 minutes of listening about his absence during her wedding- which I paid for AGAIN. As the first funds were stolen from my work account. I’ll never get the appreciation or love his lying ass got. And our conversations are very superficial. If I talk about her dad- she threatens to not jet me see my grandson. I hear you all – love brings such sadness

    2. Toffee

      It sounds so familiar with a condition called parental alienation Its not your children’s fault but your ex husband chose to destroy thier emotional minds to cover his guilt He Obviously was a failure but cant accept it It happened to me too My 2 sons managed to return after years but my daughter who is well looked after finacially by her father is too afraid to get back in touch with me My middle son has contact occasionally with her and he told me outright that she will never contact me whilst her father is alive out of fear or a sense of misplaced loyalty It is heartbreaking but it is a true fact Stay safe and focus on the people who are in touch with you now Just live in the moment Its safer for you Godbless

  22. Donna

    My almost adult daughter (18 in under a week) stopped talking to me and moved in with my parents just after New Years. Her communication with me since has been sparse and cold and hurtful. Then Easter and my birthday came. She came home and had dinner with my son and I for Easter. She baked a birthday cake and dropped it off for my birthday. She even left a gift. I thought this was a turning point in healing our relationship. I was wrong. Since then she has been even more distant, cold and hurtful. she graduated high school in under a month. I don’t know if she will even allow me to accompany her to see her graduate. She is graduating #2 in her class. She told me yesterday that she was too busy to come to see me today on Mother’s Day but then asked me for a large amount of money to pay for college. This is the only time she speaks nicely to me is when she wants money from me. This mess has caused my entire family other than my son to stop talking to me. Thankfully, I have many friends who have rallied around me so I am not alone. It is so sad to see how they have all turned on me. I know I am a good parent. My daughter was accepted to every college she applied to; is graduating #2 in her class. She is loved by everyone who meets her. As a single mom, I have to be able to take some credit for that, right? My heart is broken but I am focusing on the positive today- my son, my friendships and my faith!

    I wish all of you peace and happiness on this day and all the days to follow. I know that God has this situation in His hands. I just have to be faithful and patient. It still hurts so much…

    Reply
    1. Karen

      Don’t give her the money- she’s so smart she can get a scholarship. Being used is never a good feeling.

  23. Deborah R.

    I heard from friends thus week in England that my son’s cancer has returned and he let them know a year ago but not me.He is in his late 30’s and when it first came we were allowed to help him in every way a parent could .Then he got married and he has not spoken to us since then.We don’t know why, we have called and he hangs up, writes and it is ignored.
    So now this cancer will most likely kill him.It was stage 3 colon cancer 4 yrs ago and what ever has come back is much worse our friends said and he’s had surgery again and chemo.
    I feel pretty devastated.I think it’s clear I will never see my son again and I’m furious that our friends in London kept it a secret from me.We were always very close I thought.
    I just don’t know where to go now….or what to do if anything. Deborah in VT

    Reply
    1. Su

      Feel terrible for you, but don’t blame the friends for not telling you. Oftentimes people put their friends in the middle. When my ex partner died he made me and another friend promise not to let any of his work fall into his sister’s hands. Unfortunately I was also friends with his sister. That put the onus on me where I had to fight her off from claiming all of his work. But she was relentless. She got what she wanted but I could no longer have anything to do with her after that.

    2. Joan

      Let him go. I know that hurts, but why would you want to be at someone’s deathbed, when he wants nothing to do with you? Even if he is your son.? Let him go. I have had to make peace with the fact that I may never see my daughter again. She is only 21, and if anything happened to her, there is no guarantee that she would want to see me; and if she did, I strongly suspect that my narcissistic brother would do everything in his power to prevent it . Another example of “parental alienation”.
      And are your friends in London really your “friends” if they are keeping secrets from you? They are enabling the abuse to happen. This is what my family did, when they discarded me, and cast me aside, to help my brother “step in” and take over as surrogate parent for my then 19-year old daughter. In the world of narcissistic abuse recovery, they are called Flying Monkeys, named after the monkeys that the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of OZ, cast out to do her bidding. If your so-called friends stopped interfering, maybe your son would take step up to the plate and contact you himself. If not, there’s your answer.
      Good Luck and Best Wishes to you!

  24. Mary Ann K.

    Thanks for your article, always a sanity check! I have read your book, it really helped me a lot to sort through my pain and to get a better understanding of this whole awful mess. When covid-19 broke and we all went into isolation, albeit on different continents, I broke my golden rule and sent a SMS : “Hoping and trusting you are well.” Tried to keep it short and not gushy. Of course it was met by silence and blocking.
    Its now 4 years. Just when I think I am truly over the hump I did something silly and it threw me for a week or two. Take care!

    Reply
  25. Linda D

    I got a surprise today my one daughter sent me a nice text wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day and telling me how they all are. She also sent me Happy Birthday wishes last month. I’m taking it slow don’t want to push anything. Now my other daughter who in November told me she wanted me out of her life, nothing and she is the one I did everything in the world for even so far as a house, car payments etc too long to list. But with her I figure she has to live with herself. I do get to talk to the children when she lets them call but because of the virus haven’t seen them in over 3 months and I have spent every holiday and birthdays with them since the day were born. I don’t know after things she has said if there ever could be a relationship.

    Reply
  26. Francine M.

    I agree. Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful that did our best when we cared for now grown adult i have 4 grown adult children who 3 are in touch almost always that 4 one is in class all my himself but ihis girlfriend always wishes me best on all holidays and my granddaughter as well i take that and move on.

    Reply
  27. Francine M.

    Just one more comment one of my four adult children been social distancing me long before this pandemic so i just accept i dont like it but accept it. Happy Mother’s Day

    Reply
  28. Deb

    “As the social distancing and isolation has continued, more and more parents have expressed their dismay. If a pandemic can’t get a wayward son or daughter to care about them, then nothing will.” SM

    This. Thank you and thank goodness. It took awhile but after the dust settled, I moved on slowly. Now I understand what courage really means.Bless you. ❤️

    Reply
  29. Toffee

    It sounds so familiar with a condition called parental alienation Its not your children’s fault but your ex husband chose to destroy thier emotional minds to cover his guilt He Obviously was a failure but cant accept it It happened to me too My 2 sons managed to return after years but my daughter who is well looked after finacially by her father is too afraid to get back in touch with me My middle son has contact occasionally with her and he told me outright that she will never contact me whilst her father is alive out of fear or a sense of misplaced loyalty It is heartbreaking but it is a true fact Stay safe and focus on the people who are in touch with you now Just live in the moment Its safer for you Godbless

    Reply
  30. Lois

    I sent my estranged son a short email a month ago simply stating my concern for him during this pandemic. I kept it simple as I knew saying too much would only trigger his anger. Of course he didn’t reply, but I felt better knowing he knew I was thinking of him. I guess that’s all we can do as parents is let them know we still love them despite their having cut us off. The rest is up to them.

    Hope you all had a peaceful Mother’s Day. Thank you Sheri for always reaching out to us when we need this forum most.

    Reply
  31. Pam

    It has been 5 years since I have seen my daughter and 7 years for my son. My daughter has always
    had a mean spirit even from childhood and has broken my heart numerous times. My daughter-in-law
    made sure that I would not be in the picture. I know that this will be a permanent thing to not have
    either of them in my life. I love them both but do not want to let them back into my life only to
    hurt me again, and that would happen. I was not a perfect mother but I did all that I could for them.
    I was a single parent for a few years and it was very hard. I did remarry and my husband was a
    good father to them. It upsets me that they have disrespected him. I have to focus on the future
    and let the past go. No need to torment myself. My heart goes out to all of the mothers who are
    separated from their children.

    Reply
  32. Dianne T.

    Hi to everyone hope u all had a nice Mother’s Day
    My name is Dianne and I just joined this group.
    mainly so I can vent my Feelings .
    I have 3 children two boys and a girl
    I haven’t seen or spoke to my son’s in about 6 or 7 years
    My daughter well first 3 years then we got together for a year
    Then no more contact . All three have not bothered
    To tell me why.
    I get so lonely especially around the holidays.
    I spent Mother’s Day alone crying
    I just know that to do, I miss my grandkids and great grandkids. Anyway that was my day
    Thanks for letting me vent

    Reply
  33. Teri

    I wish you strength and a box of Kleenex. I am sort of a newbie at the estrangement (1 year) but was hurt when I didn’t receive a text, call or card for my April Birthday and then nothing for Mother’s Day. I am feeling pain, like I don’t exist, extreme hurt and anger that I raised a person who could hurt me so bad after being the parent who never left them even though their father did. I gave my all to give them what I could as a single parent. But when she told me a year ago she was done with me because I don’t do anything to better myself it cut like a knife.

    I go back and forth with feeling perhaps there was more I should have done to feeling anger and not wanting to keep her in my will. I have gotten to the point where I hate holidays. My other daughter lives in Alaska with my granddaughter and we try to talk once a week and she keeps me from wanting to just crawl under a rock. I must have done something wrong in my lifetime to be treated like this but I remember how sweet my other daughter is and remember one out of two isn’t bad. I have read the book once and reading it a second time to hopefully come out ok and ready to move on. I know I can do it after recovering when my husband left without a word, it just takes awhile to get over the shock. It’s like a death, shock, pain, and anger that they left you alone without a word. I am hopeful that we will all get thru this. God doesn’t put us into a situation that he thinks we cannot handle. Stay strong everyone and I wish us all peace and happiness.

    Reply
  34. Holly

    Sheri, After reading through all the responses. I noticed that many of the mothers were single parents at some point in their children’s young life. That was true for me as well. Do you have any statistics on how many people in your study were single parents? You may have mentioned it in your book, but I don’t recall reading it.

    Reply
  35. Su

    Boy, I so wished I had read all these comments on May 9 instead of today, the day after mother’s day. I was so totally unprepared for what hit me. Already being totally cut out by my daughter in law so that my son has also had minimal contact, my daughter with whom I’ve always had a rocky relationship, has also been getting progressively more short-tempered and abusive with me ever since I moved to her town after giving up a great community of 20 years duration. In any case, I don’t normally hold out a lot of expectations for holidays like Mother’s Day because my own Mother had big expectations and if her expectations were not met she would pout and he angry. So, determined to not become my mother, I had always tried to take a more laid back approach to those things.
    That said, my daughter usually managed to come through with something..a card..a text etc. She has recently had her own baby at age 40 so I made sure to send a nice big gift certificate to a good restaurant in their town.
    As this day in isolation wore on, I heard nothing from her. In fact by the end of the day I had to accept that there would be nothing. As my self pity began to grow of course the tears came right along. I had such a lump in my throat that I could barely swallow or sleep. The next morning I found a short text saying, oh thanks for the gift. That was it and that’s all it is ever going to be. I feel it in my bones. Parents have a need for their grown children, but it seems from what I have read here that so many grown children have absolutely no need for their parents.

    Reply
  36. Mallary

    @Lori – “Not my circus, not my monkeys”……..Brilliant! Love it! I’ve been going around this morning since reading that, saying it to myself with a big smile 😀 Thank you!

    Mothers’ Day for me was a couple of months ago….nothing, except a text from 2nd son who has never been good at cards even in the best of times, and now I live abroad it’s even harder for him to manage it.
    My lovely husband (who 1st son has never even met) did me breakfast in bed and a card from our numerous dogs! So I am grateful for those small mercies, even if it brought a tear thinking of all the other Mothers’ Days when 1st son went over and above to show his love and gratitude.

    Thinking about the “adopted child” idea – it’s ironic that when I was a scared 18 year old, on my own expecting 1st son, my mother pressed on me the idea of having the baby adopted and I went along to the point of having an interview with social services and signing the first papers. As soon as he arrived I just knew I couldn’t do it and my mother was the first one in the recovery room with a pair of baby bootees for her first grandchild!
    Sometimes I blame myself for even thinking of it and that perhaps those thoughts had somehow transferred to him in the womb. Mad! I know!
    Anyway, to think of him as having been adopted is not a bad way to look at it now, though sometimes it’s as if he’s actually been ‘beamed-up’ and there’s an alien inhabiting his body….”Who are YOU and what have you done with XXXX ????” I want to scream!

    I told 2nd son that it was a “slow death” and the answer a few weeks later from 1st son was a vile email full of vitriol – I thought maybe he’d softened (haha) and was intending to make it a quick death 🙁 – telling me that I couldn’t reply to it as he’d just delete anything from me. So I certainly didn’t expect anything during this Covid 19 pandemic and have not been disappointed!

    I think the thing to ask yourself is what other people have said: Would you REALLY want to know this person who has been so cruel if they weren’t biologically attached to you? They are not the people you nurtured and raised. That person has gone. Remember the good and happy times and leave the persona who has taken over your loved one to itself. Nothing you can say or do is going to change anything. Acceptance is everything.

    Love, light and thanks to all of you for sharing.

    Reply
  37. Pam H.

    Dear Everybody!! Thank you for sharing your very personal pain…I read your posts and it makes me so angry. Angry because it’s not fair. Angry because we’ve tried so hard to figure out what the rules of the game are! I read a quote once that said “The person in a relationship who cares the least makes the rules!” It’s so true! So many similarities! Apologies demanded then not accepted. Single parents. Grandchildren held hostage. I pity these so called adult kids of ours. They have no clue. No clarity. No heart and no remorse. So sad…for them.

    Reply
  38. Joanne

    Dear Sheri McGregor and any group members who have walked in my shoes…I have read DONE WITH THE CRYING which I keep close by for reference. Your latest theme titled “The turning point” resounds with overtones that scream “stop letting rejection define and disable you!!” You’re so right about Mother’s Day being a goldmine for marketers to push sales with a heavy dose of dutiful pressure. My only daughter who is 45 has estranged herself from me for the last 5 years. Her parenting was viewed as controlling, at which she rebelled. To reiterate one mother’s words, I brought her into this world with no tools for effective parenting. Having brought shame to my own mother by being born illegitimate and lied to about my true identity, I was determined to raise my daughter in the spotlight, not hidden in a closet. As her need for attention grew, her respect for authority dwindled, setting a tone to rebel against rules of convention.

    She sought refuge during those dark, goth teen years through writing and art, choosing to keep company with other non-conformists. During her university years, her path deviated away from mainstream career options, leading her back to pursue a longtime goal of being published which resulted in her first book of short stories. The professor who enabled her to achieve a post-grad degree in creative writing, to phrase it delicately, also tutored her outside of the classroom. Due to inappropriate conduct, he was forced to resign his position, after which he relocated 2000 miles away to his summer writing retreat house in a small, remote fishing village. We heard via a phone call from our daughter that she had decided to join him, where for the next 10 years, she was under the spell of a manipulative egomaniac whose “no parents allowed” rule fuelled the fire of a family unit already in jeopardy. Throughout those years, her father and I continued to offer support near and afar…then when she furthered her education which gained her a prestigious job title in a university library, she moved further away from “the professor” and bought her first house. She asked us for financial assistance towards a down payment, which we’d have never denied her. The distance proved to be a step forward in severing herself from a controlling and abusive relationship. I was hopeful that our daughter was back in our lives. Her dream job soon became a nightmare when authority figures challenged her and the work environment became toxic. It was another setback when, as a concerned parent, I tried to coach her in fighting for her rights. It was sadly misinterpreted by her scathing response in a public blog with words that still cut to the core; e.g. “You’ll call your mom and when you say you want to leave your job, she’ll yell at you and tell you that you’ll never grow up. She tells you you’ve gotten too much in life and she laughs at your ideas and rages at your choices and you decide, after decades of these conversations, it’s time to not call her anymore.”

    Admittedly words of anger were exchanged…they had been building up over the years and exploded with fury in which she denied her heritage and debated “nature vs nurture.” That was the topic of our last conversation over 5 years ago. I struggle daily with guilt and remorse while I’ve exhausted every effort to reconnect with her. Her father meanwhile drove 2000 miles to see her 2 years ago with plans that I would fly there to join him. She refused to see me, saying I was a narcissist. I was devastated. She communicates with him, but is never the one to initiate contact. Even during this pandemic, her Dad was the one to reach out to her…what does that say?

    Will sum this up by saying to other estranged parents…be careful who you trust to share your heartaches about estrangement with. I know from experience that not every friend is able to empathize, thereby the risk of betrayal.

    Reply
  39. Ann

    Kimberley (May 13th)
    You didn’t deserve any of that. Your story touched my heart and I’m sending my love xx

    Reply
  40. Joan

    This morning I will woke up feeling anxious and depressed because of my daughter’s rejection. Then
    I listened to my morning meditation. The priest talked about being loved and being grateful. I have so much to be grateful for, but my sad relationship with my daughter can be a cloud. Today, I will break through the cloud and enjoy all the sun In still have and save a prayer of gratitude. As the priest said often times people fail to love is because of their own brokenness,
    nor ours Praying for all of you today and hope you see some

    Reply

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