Unresolved estrangement: Living with loose ends
Unresolved estrangement: Living with loose ends
When we decided to sell our family home in San Diego, I looked around and mentally marked “incomplete” on a zillion projects. The back door frame needed repair. A walkway to the garage needed finishing. The patio planters needed work … The kinds of things that aren’t prioritized until you put on your potential-buyer eyes.
We moved to our current home knowing there was a lot to change and fix. And for the most part, that’s what we’ve been doing. Fixing, repairing, changing … and finishing. But other things were calling for completion too. Paperwork snafus caused by organizational mergers required new passwords, decisions, and figuring things out. There were also leftovers from completed parts of our lives: a business to officially close out, estate-planning updates, and a few other odds and ends. So many things, in fact, that at the end of last year, when I was still marking some items on a to-do list “incomplete,” I labeled 2026 my “Year of Finishing.”
What’s undone has a way of occupying psychic space. The glitchy garage door opener, the drawer we’ve been meaning to clean out, and the appointment we still need to make all hang over our heads. And usually, we can put them on a list, prioritize them, break them into doable bits, or just decide they’re no longer important (the PB&J I talk about in Done With The Crying for times when life gets overwhelming).
Too bad one of life’s most distressing unfinished matters doesn’t work that way: estrangement from adult children.
When you can’t finish it yourself
When a relationship with an adult child is unresolved, it’s natural to want completion. Reconciliation, a reason that makes sense, or some sort of certainty about what the future holds. But even when we know a basic reason, the relationship can still feel unfinished. Will she ever come to her senses? Would I ever trust her again anyway? Will he ever realize his wife is asking too much in rejecting his family? And if he does, could we expect that he wouldn’t just find another woman and do the same thing?
Because unfinished things generally call for action, we naturally look for something more to do. Different words, a new theory, or yet another formula to end the cutoff. The problem is that relationships take more than a parent finding the right tool, because the job can’t be completed without the other party participating. You can’t make the adult child who cut ties reconsider their decision, get help, apologize, forgive, communicate honestly, or be willing to work with you. You can’t fix them. You can only work on yourself.
Stop assigning yourself an impossible job
Bringing a sense of completion takes prioritizing what’s within your power and releasing what isn’t. You can work on coping after estrangement, coming to terms with what’s happened, and living a full life anyway. That means addressing individual issues as they arise, such as whether to immediately read and reply to a text or wait; whether to keep them in your will or disinherit them when it’s time to update your estate plan; or whether to let them know when their grandfather or the family pet dies. Those are ways of finishing things as they come, which can help create an overall sense of completion.
Moving toward a sense of completion takes a plan for moving forward that isn’t contingent upon what they may or may not decide. Instead of asking, How can I fix this? you ask: What’s mine to do? And then you get busy. Your well-being, your plans, your travel and friendships and life. Yours. Not dependent on adult children.
Life comes with loose ends
My Year of Finishing has driven home the reality that much of life includes loose ends. I’ve tied up things in some areas and discovered dangling threads in others. So many of you are familiar with this—illnesses that may drag inexplicably on, careers that shift due to cultural change or technological growth, the impact of a potential neighborhood project that some citizens are up in arms about while others can’t wait for the change. Even a hot electrical wire you uncover in the yard where you’re planning to put a patio—and you don’t know where it leads. Sometimes, there is no satisfying conclusion—and you take action anyway. You try a new treatment, learn a new skill, fight for or against a project, and follow the wire, hoping you can safely deal with it before pouring the patio.
An unfinished part of your life doesn’t mean putting your whole life on hold. While there’s relief in finishing, there’s also relief in recognizing what you can’t finish.
We’ll be exploring this more deeply in an upcoming member event—what is ours to complete, what we may need to release as life changes, how we can adapt when old expectations no longer fit, and what may still be asking to develop in our own lives. Join the membership to participate. Live events are usually recorded and available for replay to members.
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13 thoughts on “Unresolved estrangement: Living with loose ends”
I love tying up loose ends and completing projects and marking ‘resolved.’ Estrangement is one major area where I have had to practice the messiness of accepting what is and letting go of the part that is not mine to own. I acknowledge how I want things to be, which I realize isn’t asking for much (in a typical relationship: regular contact; sharing joys and challenges; learning about what they are doing in their lives and learning about my grandchildren. I do not get these things from my ES, but I do get them from my two other sons and I have reminded myself to focus on what I do have the joy in my life that I can celebrate. It’s not easy, but it’s my reality and for the rest of my life (I’m 72) I choose to focus on the light. Some days are harder than others, of course….but I can more easily return to the light thanks to Sheri and her books and website. I feel blessed overall.
BA, you’re describing the enduring work of accepting, living on, and letting it be.
Thank you for your kind words about my books and site. I so appreciate knowing my work has helped. And yes, it’s so good to be able to count our blessings.
HUGE GIGANTIC HUGS,
Sheri McGregor
This makes the most sense to me. The abuse is often a symptom of mental heath issues.
My mental health is based on not trying to fix another adult. I’ve done that all my life. While I hope that they seek treatment and get healthy, my trust in them will never be the same.
Your feelings are common, Sophia. Regaining trust takes much effort on the part of the persons who broke the trust. Sometimes that just doesn’t happen. I hope the estranged one(s) you refer to will get any needed help to get better too. HUGS, Sheri
Hi Sheri,
This posting is so spot on and helpful in so many ways. As I struggle with all the difficult choices along this path that is not my choice and as I take steps to have a full life, totally different than expected, I will be revisiting this knowing it will help me along my journey. Thank you for all that you do….
With much appreciated!
Thank you, Nancy. I appreciate your words. Yes, different than expected … and you know what? It can make what’s around the next corner be interesting. Not to minimize the climb that goes with moving forward on this new path.
Great big HUGS,
Sheri McGregor
Ah- ‘loose ends’, ‘open tabs’, ‘untended schmutz’-
the path isn’t impediment free for sure. Ya can only do what you can do. It’s not all on your shoulders to heal the relationship. That takes both of you. If there is no cooperation, it can only go so far. The ball is in their court
I will second the Wonder Woman title Sheri. You have a knack for knowing what I need to hear every time an article comes out. We are in the process of moving and part of my “undone” is whether to tell my ES where we are moving to. He didn’t care the last time and I have a feeling he does not read my emails. He’s blocked me from calling or texting.
I have struggle with whether to tell him if his grandmother passes – she is 96 and each day is a blessing.
Thank you – you help make me stronger when I am feeling uncertain.
Dear Seeking Hope,
At the bottom of this article where you left a comment, there was a link to another one on “moving” when you have an estranged child. You may have read it already. There’s another on the site about the other thing you mention: whether to inform the estranged when a loved one dies. It’s an oldie, and perhaps will offer something of use: https://www.rejectedparents.net/telling-an-estranged-adult-child-about-a-family-members-death-do-they-have-a-right-to-know/
HUGE hugs to you, Seeking Hope. And thank you for your kindness. I’m grateful for your expressions about my work, and am so very glad you have found it helpful.
Sheri McGregor
Thank you. I am just finishing a book about The Pursuit of Happiness as defined by our forefathers through classical thinkers. I never realized the word had so many definitions as defined by the Roman’s, Greeks and any philosopher you can think of and then many you never heard of. The 1st chapter is extremely laborious with 20 some definitions of happiness. Starting with Ben Franklin and then George Washington their definitions were based on the Greeks and Dante. This mix simplified by me basically simply states that you cannot have happiness if your controlled by hate or another perso or if your unhappiness makes you do things you regret. I have actually found the happiness definitions very helpful. I like your temperature idea too. Happiness goes along with it. Being able to say i am going to let her upset my day is powerful.
Thank you Sheri
Have also mapped 2026 to address matters but still no closer on the decision re Estate Matters – include him or disinherit him… and have recently tumbled to information of his recent transition to fatherhood..
Sheri McGregor You are a Wonder Woman. Your help has been immeasurable.
Thank you so much. Life is so much rosier and positive. Every best wish to you.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I have this feeling that you’re a Wonder Woman, too! I’m so glad to hear that life is more positive and rosier. What a great word for me to hear early in the morning: rosier. Thank you for that. I wish you all the best too.
HUGS.
Sheri McGregor