What trees teach parents of estranged adult children about enduring and thriving
Parents of estranged adult children: What the trees can teach you about enduring and thriving
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The last few years, spring seems to have faded quickly into summer heat. This year, spring has been more protracted. Many rainy days interspersed with sunny ones have led to a lush landscape.
Last year, the blue oaks were sparse. This year, they’re fuller. The leaves are brighter, as if the trees are feeling relief. The lemon cypress trees, with their delicate scent, are looking lush. The row of privet that consists of seedlings I dug up from a large one near the house, and planted along a fence, has filled out beautifully. The pineapple guavas that have withstood the winter winds and drought are covered in perky blooms I hope will develop into fruit. Even the Japanese maples seem more vibrant this year, their deep burgundy and rich red color more vivid than ever.
Living things respond to conditions. In harsher years, the trees conserve their energy. They somehow know not to waste their resources pretending the climate is supporting them. They adapt and endure—and people aren’t so different.
Parents of estranged adult children live under long emotional strain in ambiguous grief. Not only grief, but uncertainty. Vigilance. Repeated disappointment. The exhausting cycle of hope, confusion, silence, second-guessing, and trying to hold oneself together through holidays, milestones, and ordinary days that no longer feel ordinary.
Some of us judge ourselves harshly for the effects of that strain. We belittle ourselves for feeling tired or are angry when we still feel hurt. But the truth is we’re like the trees, responding to years of drought.
Helping ourselves thrive despite estrangement
This spring’s refreshing rains and the way the plants and trees have responded to it proved that thriving takes more than character or willpower. Conditions matter too. Rest, safety, and self-compassion matter.
In a season of emotional drought, you may have conserved energy, waiting and hoping for love and closeness to return. Many of us spend years surviving harsh emotional climates that are even more severe than we realize while we’re going through them.
We can be like the trees, waiting for the climate to change—because they have no choice. Or, we can take action in our own environments, bringing positive change to ourselves. We can wait for moments of peace, or we can cultivate space and an environment for those moments. Supportive companionship, a morning when we actively look for beauty, even curating what we read or watch so we’ll be revived makes thriving despite estrangement possible.
When we actively work toward our own joy, peace, and meaning beyond what we once thought would bring those feelings, life looks more promising. Curiosity and hope can return.
Like my trees that have endured a few difficult seasons, parents of estranged adult children endure emotional drought, conserve energy, and hope for better days. In this milder year, my trees are shaking out their lush, leafy canopies, stretching unabashedly toward the sky, and displaying their vibrant colors. While we may not be able to change the cold wind our estranged ones blow our way, we can support ourselves by planting windscreens of self-compassion and comforts that support us.
Parents of estranged adult children need refreshment too
As Mother’s Day approaches and Father’s Day is on the horizon, many parents of estranged adult children brace themselves emotionally. We anticipate the ache, the reminders, the cultural messages, and the silence that may come. But perhaps this year, instead of only enduring the season, we might also cultivate conditions in which to thrive. You might even think of it as a well-being garden.
Consider:
What helps you feel restored? What brings even small moments of peace, beauty, or relief? What leaves you feeling well-watered? Perhaps make a list of:
- people who nourish rather than drain you
- places where you feel calmer
- activities that restore your spirit
- books, music, gardens, walks, conversations, prayers, or quiet routines that help you feel more alive
With ideas identified, you’ll be ready to feed your well-being.
My trees aren’t thriving because they suddenly became stronger or more deserving than they were in harsher years. They are responding to refreshment, relief, and supportive conditions. Human beings need those things too.
As the trees know, there are ways to endure difficult seasons—and that it’s wise to unabashedly receive more refreshing ones, even of our own making.
Related:
Finding your footing in a changed landscape
Parents of estranged adult children: Settle into this new landscape
Don't go through this all alone.
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22 thoughts on “What trees teach parents of estranged adult children about enduring and thriving”
Someone commented on how little the stores stressed Mother’s Day anymore. I recently, in August, went into Homegoods. 25% of the floor space was done up for Halloween! “Honor your mother & father” is no longer popular. The trend is toward dark spirits. There truly is a diabolical attack on family happening right in front of our eyes.
Stand firm in what you know to be true.
Here it is MOTHERS DAY Not even a text from my three children or 5 grandchildren
As a single parent in the 70s when they were 9 months, 4 and 5, I raised them without any help. Now they are all in their FIFTIES!!!!! All are educated and VERY WEALTHY
I ask myself the same question everyday—- how can they treat me this way ????
Will I EVER get over it ????? The sadness is overwhelming
I adore when you write about nature’s resiliency. Montana is lush and thriving as well with an abundant crop of pine cones falling everywhere. Out of nowhere a neighbor gave me a six pack of Black Eyed Susan’s and a Mother’s Day greeting. The best flower gift ever. I got to spend my day gardening!
I can’t tell you how much your news letter and books mean to me. Thank you.
Happy Mother’s Day all! I am working through my 2nd year of no contact with with my son and grandson. I began studying Buddhism over a year ago and I’m learning about attachment and how it can drain me rather than feed me. I also started a new kind of therapy that didn’t work out for me. Right now, I need a gentler approach. But the one thing that brings me the most joy is walking through the forest. Trees indeed teach us how to be strong and stand tall even when we feel like falling down and not getting up. There is one forest in particular called Llandover Woods that has my heart. I have been going there for over 16 years. First, I raised all 3 of my dogs on the trails. when they were gone, I still went there to remember them. And I’m getting ready to spread their ashes there. That is where they belong. And it is also where I belong. Somewhere special for me. Somewhere safe. Somewhere calm. Somewhere where I can love and be loved by Oscar, Oliver and Otto (my dogs). Today, for Mother’s Day, I wrote myself 2 Mother’s Day cards, I’m going to brunch by myself and then I’ll go to Llandover Woods to be with my dogs and be grateful for the trees that I know so well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on trees. I agree and wish everyone well on a day that we all deserve to celebrate ourselves.
Thank you Sheri.
Today being Mother’s Day is a hard day for me. I can so relate to some of the comments here. This whole estrangement thing is a tragedy! And I cannot wrap my head around the pure cruelty of it all. Somehow our adult children have gotten the message that we as Mother’s are worth NOTHING. My heart breaks for all the MOMS here, and it breaks for myself too. We all hurt deeply, but that is because we loved so deeply.
Happy Mother’s Day to ALL of you! Sheri, this tree analogy is a GREAT example of endurance. As an estranged dad with an adult son of six years, I’m heartstruck with the estranged women out there. I can only imagine the emotional pain you’re all experiencing on Mother’s Day. Please know you are loved by people you don’t even know. Thank you for all you do!
God bless!
Thank you for your comment on being loved by those we don’t know. That meant so much today.
Thank you, Jordan. That is so much appreciated.
I just learned of this site and have a couple things I might like to share. Firstly, at least for me, I didn’t ask to be treated with silence confusion and cruelty.
Secondly, I believe finding ways to make myself appreciate the “little” things that can actually fit into my lifestyle can help.
Im a huge music enthusiast so playing music might just help.
Love this! I am so blessed to have stumbled upon this website, the insights refresh my soul and have helped me to stop blaming myself for the distance my children have put between us, I’m not perfect but I’m not “toxic”.
Yes indeed! How I have always seen trees as my friends☺️. I have always dealt with
Trauma with the help of my beautiful trees. As a very young person whenever I was feeling a need, I would climb a tree not just climb, but stay at the tippy top of a tree and let the wind blow me back-and-forth. I could see for miles when I was at the top of the tree, and I saw that there was much more to life to be had.
When I grew older, I began to do painting and what did I paint ? Trees !
Thank you for your inspirational messages.
Blessings,
Rita
I have sadly been estranged from my 7 children, their spouses and all my 28 grandchildren(yes! 28) and 1 great granddaughter, whom I have never met. She was born on my mom’s birthday and it breaks me to pieces, I may never get the chance to share all the beautiful memories of her great grandmother with her. I do find hope in the season of Spring. The trees are getting their fresh new leaves, beautiful flowers are bursting with colorful smiles, birds are once again singing in the trees and children are outside playing as the spring air blows all their laughter for us to enjoy. This is what soothes, my heart and my soul with beautiful thoughts of my own children and grandchildren.
This year it seems Mothers Day is easier. I just got back from a visit with my cousin and her father my uncle. Her 6 children do not speak to her because of her now divorced husband. They live 1400 miles away so its a bit of a trip. We acknowledged the 20th anniversary of her divorce by going to a mall. This was last weekend but she wanted to buy herself new clothes. To our surprise there were few Mothers Day displays at any of the big stores. In the past stores had sweaters, pillows, wine glasses.and other products plastered with Mother or Mothers Day plastered on them. Mothers Day has crossed my mind but this year it really feels just like another day. I buy flowers regularly for myself so I have moved on to celebrating the 250th. I like the tree comparison and this year I have a gobi cactus plant that every year blossoms but did not. I am worried about it. Happy Mothers Day to all. Thank you
Thank you so much for everything you do!
Beautiful writing, thank you
Thanks so much for this. I really appreciate it! In my situation it has been 8 years of estrangement. My adult son has been punishing me cruelly for normal parental mistakes for decades. I know I was NOT perfect, I was a young teen mom of 16. However, I did really love my son and I cared for him. I did my best. While my peers were out socialising and partying I was alone at home as a single mother striving to care for my son with all my heart, although an often fearful and stressed one as I was scared. Mostly scared about financial worries, etc. I made it. I finished my schooling, I worked and supported us. I had it hard but I always did my best. My son became very critical and unpleasable as a teen and it just grew worse from there. He was often cruel and many mothers days I cried as he exacted his punishment often on chosen days such as this to harm me intentionally. I did not think that nor understand this possibility but now 8 years away from him I have gained so much clarity on much. I tried so hard. I forgave him so much and I asked for forgiveness for my mistakes over and over again. He was a very difficult child. He drank, did drugs, stole, lied and made up all kinds of lies (slander) against me. I forgave all of it and when he became an adult, I found out he was continuing to slander me. I finally had enough. I asked him for us to please finally address his issues, our issues and try to reach resolution and peace once and for all. He never responded to that. I walked away. He and his wife had my FB page connection for nearly 7 months of the first year of estrangement. They had my phone number….I lived five minutes away. They had my email. Crickets…I moved at the end of the first year of estrangement and thus my address changed, so did my phone number. My email remained the same for several more years. Crickets. I have gone through the grieving cycle over and over again. I have suffered with a broken heart as I never got to see my grand children grow up or be a part of their lives. Today, 8 years later; I still feel that deep pang of hurt on mother’s day but I no longer blame myself for this disaster of a relationship. I continue to pray for them. They are in God s Hands. I will not reach out. They showed me they did not want me in their lives. They are cruel and harsh, hard-hearted individuals. My son will be 50 years old this summer. An adult, a man. A very cruel man. I accept that now. I am heart broken about it and will always be heart broken about it but I no longer wish to be abused emotionally and no longer wish to be their punching bag. I certainly will no longer accept blame for his wrong choices. The worst of all of this is the slander. It is true I made mistakes. However, why the need to paint me with such an ugly brush via slander and lies. That is evil. I will never understand it. To vilify someone, your own mother in such a way is the vilest of things to do..and why…to be able to place all the garbage of his by blaming me. What a cowardly base way to avoid accountability. What a disgusting way to live. I forgive him, but no…I will no longer excuse his cruelty.
Danielle……I read your excerpt and can relate so much to what you said. My estranged son is 58 years old and I have now accepted that he does not want me in his life. For me it has released me from his use and abuse. It has been like this for decades until I felt the worth within myself to say “no more”. He also is an alcoholic and drug user since the age of about 15. For me, there are times I feel angry that he is not here to help me in my age of 80. He is my only child. I should realize that he is not capable of help or caring unless there is a monetary gain for him. Once I stopped giving is when I set myself free.
I feel like a leaf from a tree that has changed colors…..
Beautifully written and very encouraging. My husband and I have lost two adult children to estrangement. Our oldest daughter, now transmasculine, cut off communication and contact with us and her sister 11 years aga, and our son, now fully transitioned to a female cut ties 4 years ago. We have been through the desert of jobless days and sleepless nights never giving up hope that one day they’ll come back. Your words touched my heart when you wrote about curating and cultivating those things that bring life again. Thank you!
Two days ago the doorbell rang and there was the florist delivery with a vase of Mother’s Day flowers. My very first thought was that my estranged son, who I haven’t heard from in three years, had sent them. They were from a friend in another state. There was no reason for me to think my son would have sent them and I keep kicking myself from always hoping. Does that hope ever go away?
Nancy – I feel compelled to share. I have been estranged from my daughter for 6 years now. I can honestly say that for me, yes, the hope does go away, but it took a great deal of work on my part. Through the work of counseling, journaling, meditating, and all the things that felt helpful for me, I did reach a point where I no longer had that hope and surround myself with the recognition of so many friends that do love me for who I am and have accepted the things I cannot change. It still feels sad, but the hope of a card, gift, or even a text has gone away. It is a relief to fill my thoughts with other things and I am sending encouragement your way.
I am happy that you have such a thoughtful friend. Be kind to yourself!
After reading your post last week I decided to do something nice for myself tomorrow on Mothers Day Day versus feeling sad and discarded. One daughter is estranged 12 years now and my son I still have a good relationship with is 1000 mikes a way now that I retired and moved away. So I booked myself a hard therapy, facial and foot rub spa day. Looking forward to it and it’s something that makes me happy.
Sheri, my situation seems to be different. My 37 y/o daughter, at the time, came for a visit. She lives in Dallas, we in S. Louisiana. A few weeks later, I rec’d this e- mail fm her—“don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t write to me, don’t come to my house unless I tell you to come”. And with that, she stepped out of our lives, all relatives, all old friends. In July, it will be 21 yrs since we heard fm her or saw her. We are blessed because by not seeing her, the wound is not repeatedly reopened. She is a stranger now, I hardly think of her anymore. If that sounds unreal and untrue, it is the true fact! Out of sight, out of mind! I am of the very strong belief that everyone should physically be where they want to be. Thank you for all the helpful info you put out for us.