When the light turns inward: For parents estranged from adult childen
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By Sheri McGregor, M.A.
For parents estranged from adult children, this time of year can stir a deep ache. The school graduations, the days marked to honor us as mothers and fathers, the fireworks and summer fun. Meanwhile, our lives have changed. We may have longed to be included or acknowledged on those days but weren’t. Or we might even have received calls or texts that hurt us or reminded us of circumstances we just can’t fix.
I know from experience that the long days of celebration and sunshine can magnify the shadows. Seeing families gathering to lean into natural connection and love can heighten the disconnect. It’s a pause I prepare for and work at shifting perspective on for my own benefit. You can too.
This year, as the light reaches its peak at what’s known as the summer solstice, consider it a turning point for your own strength. As the world bustles along, enjoying the county fairs, the swimming parties, and family vacations, perhaps it’s a time to turn inward. You can reclaim the light for yourself.
The Longest day, the brightest pause
At the summer solstice, the sun reaches its peak and pauses. It’s like a celestial high noon when, for a moment, the sun stands high in the sky before embarking on a slow descent toward shorter days. The word solstice comes from the Latin solstitium, which means “sun standing still.” And for eons, this pause has been considered a sacred time.
Ancient cultures viewed the solstice as a moment of presence and transition. A time to notice, honor, and choose what comes next. We can learn from their wisdom and claim this turning point for our own lives.
Solstice or soul-switch: Turning inward after estrangement
Parents estranged from adult children spend years expending outward energy. First there are the years of raising and encouraging and then the anguished energy in trying to reconnect, understand, and hold on. You poured light into what amounted to empty spaces, filled only with the echoing memories of what once was.
One mother, Beth, recently told me that, for ten years, she sent cards for every birthday and holiday. She thought them through carefully and chose some that were funny and others poignant. “They always told my son how much he meant to me and always would,” she says of the cards she personalized with loving messages. “But eventually, writing and send those didn’t make any sense.”
Beth told herself that sending the cards felt right and that it didn’t matter what her son did or didn’t do in response. That was true for a while but, eventually, Beth realized that sending the cards kept her waiting and hoping. During the last year, she grew angry. She’d seal the envelopes with an urge to crumple them up. She’d place them into the post box hoping her son would feel guilty when he received them. “That wasn’t healthy for anyone,” she says with a weak laugh. “Least of all me.”
Beth had come to realize she was pouring light and love into a person that no longer received. She began writing letters to herself—notes of kindness, strength, and reminders that her love could still have purpose. When Beth read this blog posting about amends letters, she sent an email thanking me and then wrote a letter to herself. “I was exhausted, and I owed myself better care,” she says.
Is it time to stop and turn your energy to a new life ahead?
Whether your family estrangement has lasted two years or ten, like Beth, is it time to recognize exhaustion and give yourself grace? That’s the “soul” switch. Turning your energy from outward longing to inward care. From waiting for their change to becoming the keeper of your own light.
Parents estranged from adult children: What if stillness is strength?
The world and its supposed experts may say parents should never give up. That they should continue to try and fix, to be the ones to reach out, and to hold the door open for their estranged adult child. If that’s your choice, I won’t tell you to stop—but I will say that you’re allowed to make a change. Much like the way the sun pauses high in the sky at summer solstice, marking the passage of seasons, parents may see outward signs of time passing. Their graying hair, the roof leaking, and the fashion styles that are circling back. Inside, they may long for more meaning and joy, cherishing long friendships with people who accept them as they are, and noticing waning patience for those who push them to be someone they’re not. Rather than the chasing and reaching and trying to please, they may see the strength in growing still.
If this resonates, consider these questions:
- Where have you been chasing what never shifts to meet you?
- What energy have you been giving away that may be better reserved for yourself?
- What part of you has been waiting for your own notice … and nurturing?
When you turn your light inward, you may begin to heal.
Gentle light for your journey
Just as the summer solstice brings a gradual shortening of days, parents estranged from adult children shift and heal in stages. It takes time to retreat from the harsh light of confused analysis to the clarity of acceptance and release, but every turning point starts somewhere. This season, let the summer solstice be yours.
Turning to what’s ahead
Like sunflowers turning toward the sun, you can also shift, following the light to a time of blooming ahead. Here, I’ve invited you to notice the summer solstice as a turning point and time to shift. The next live event inside the membership (July 31) will be an encore event for “The Pause That Heals.” We’ll explore what that might really look like in your story:
- What you’ve released
- What you’re still carrying
- What light is quietly waiting inside you
In these live gatherings, parents estranged from adult children come together to share honestly, reflect deeply, and support one another to grow in a space that feels safe, wise, and strengthening. Consider joining us.
Related
When your adult children don’t like you: Lean on the bear necessities
Hurtful relationships with adult children: Have you lost yourself?
Learn more about the summer solstice:
June solstice in 2025: All you need to know
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24 thoughts on “When the light turns inward: For parents estranged from adult childen”
I typed a comment, but it’s disappeared, so I’ll have to start again…. Summer solstice is a particularly difficult time for me, because it reminds me of what could have been. My only daughter was estranged from my self, her father and stepfather (my 2nd husband) 6 years ago. I still don’t quite understand why. She has anxiety and depression, and this completely changed her personality. I used to send her cards, emails etc wishing her well, but her husband said they aggravated her symptoms (crying and screaming). He told me to stop, and his attitude seemed cold and unfeeling. There are no grandchildren, which is disappointing for her, but at least I am spared the torture of being denied contact with them. My husband and I are always together because i ended up disabled and in a wheelchair after a near death experience with Peritonitis 2 years ago. When we go out, we’re surrounded by “Happy families” enjoying all the Summer events. I have to concentrate hard on myself, to try to make it all bearable. I am very lucky that my husband is so supportive, but it isn’t easy. It is so helpful to read these posts, and to hear about the experiences of others. With Love and hugs to my fellow rejected parents. xxx Liza.
There is a movement called estrangement going on and the kids think it’s an accomplishment!
They are the ones losing in my eyes,
After 1 year I can’t say I want a relationship with my Son he’s not the person I thought he was anymore.
I was Beth. And then like her, I stopped sending the cards, emails, texts and it was like a weight was lifted. That first year of physical estrangement, there were notes of “thinking about you” in between the holidays and her birthday notes. All went unanswered. That second year the “thinking about you” notes stopped and I just sent notes for her birthday/holidays. Again all unanswered. It was feeling more like an obligation on my part and I was concerned that instead of an olive branch, my attempts at contact were intrusive. Clearly they were unwanted as each one were unanswered. I sent a final note, sharing my love and hopes for peace and happiness and leaving the door open for her. I may not know where she is but, she knows how to reach me. She chose to leave. After 2 years+, I have finally chosen to let her.
My daughter decided in September of 2017 to be estranged. Why? I will never really know…I tried to send her cards/kind notes for awhile,, hoping for a response/reconciliation. What I received in 2020 was a very nasty Cease and Desist letter from an attorney. She wants no contact – not even via a third party.
It took time for this to sink in…Is this the daughter I knew and loved? This is someone else.
Frankly, almost 8 years later, I have given up. Give the baggage to Jesus. Only He knows what’s going on; I don’t. I have my own concerns. I cannot spend time dwelling on her loss. She’s the one who is losing out. She’s in her 30’s now. I believe that once your child is out of the house, there are so many adverse influences out there, you just don’t know what changed him or her. You always hope that love conquers all – but that’s not always realistic. Love has to work both ways.
So, to estranged parents out there, take care of yourselves, your health and happiness, your domicile, your finances. It’s not worth time and energy brooding. You have to face the harsh reality that your child just doesn’t care what happens to you. Turn your attention elsewhere.
My name is Beth and I am not the Beth in your post. But I could have been. It spoke directly to my heart. I have both a long estranged older brother and an estranged adult son. I have spent forty years of my life writing birthday and Christmas cards to a much loved and much missed brother. I had a revelation this past year about why I was still doing this. I was repeating the same thing with my son now. It was my way of still expressing my love and feeling closer if only for a moment, as I wrote a message in the cards. This year was different though. I realized that I needed to stop. I know now that it didn’t change a thing in the case of my brother and it isn’t going to change the situation with my son. Thank you for giving all of us the closure we need. I like the idea of writing myself cards and notes to encourage myself.
I have been estranged from 2 of my 3 children for over 30 years. From Al-Anon and groups like this I have learned what I can and can’t control. These teachings have allowed me to be at peace within myself.
Thank you for all your work in an area that many do not understand. Yes you can recover!
Peace be with all,
Larry
Sheri
I have read your books and reread them and recommended them to those I know in our situation. It has been 20 years since I have seen or spoken to my oldest Son. I have a Grandaughter whom I adored , she was 5 when they took her away , she is a grown woman now in college, I know she remembers me but still no contact from her. I have had my dark days and my hopeful days, I have evolved into a child of God who wants to do as he teaches in his Word. I still have flickers of the pain when I see a Mom with her grown children and Grandchildren, but I stop and usually pray that they recognize how lucky they are and then Thank God for my blessing. Yes the world is not the way we would have it but neither was it for Our Savior who died for us! I have so many things to be thankful for as we each do, we just need to change our perspective and focus on the Good and not the bad or lost. Easy ? No, possible ? YES! Thank you for this site and your truthful message of hope. God Bless you! Claudia❤️
Sheri, I might just frame this work of yours as your words might have just changed my life. Thank you, and to all the commenters, who are showing me the hopeful future that awaits, and that I’m worthy of self-love. Wow. Bought your book and am excited to go deeper!
Thank you Sheri for all that you are & do. I can fully resonate with both your analogies & find them very comforting. I am now in the acceptance stage & living my life to the best of my ability. Often by helping others you are helping yourself.
Thank you Sheri, this piece of yours is so beautifully written. Today is my daughter’s birthday, 24, three and a half years that she has gone no contact. These years and months have changed me, I am stronger now than ever. Since I know my worth as a mother and also as a friend. Undeserving cases and people do not get my time, since, unfortunately, I do not have a limitless supply. As every year, I have bought a present and will try to reach her in person, she lives in the same town here in Germany. Wish me luck 😉 … Hugs to you all out there and may our strength grow with every passing day!
The timing of your newsletter could not have been more perfect. As I sat waiting to “coat” my youngest child at his white coat ceremony for medical school, I read this and knew God put your message in front of me when I needed it. You see, three of my four adult children chose their dad over me during the divorce 18 years ago and the alienation led to estrangement three years ago. Only my youngest son has always stood by me and I was honored that he asked me to participate in this special moment. After, I did get to see and talk to one of my estranged children and it felt nice. On my long drive home alone, the sun was shining so bright, even through some rain, and I thought that was odd. It was at that time that I had this sense of peace come over me. Even though I had a small moment of hope being with my estranged son and his family, I realized that he doesn’t want a relationship or he would have reached out. His daughter, my granddaughter who gravitated to me and couldn’t leave my side during our brief time together, will probably never know me because her dad doesn’t want this. He didn’t call me “mom” and he didn’t tell her I am “grandma.” We were strangers. I have tried long enough and now it is time for them to show me they want me back in their lives. I’m not spending any more energy waiting, hoping, or trying. One way I have learned to heal is to remember that it is our job as parents to teach our kids to fly and even if we were not estranged, they would have their own families and lives. I have mine with my husband and three bonus children who think the sun really does set on me. Thank you for the blessing you are, Sherri.
Hello. I’ve been estranged from my daughter for 6 years now. She is married to a very intelligent narcissist. Everything you read about narcissists is fact. It took me this long to stop trying to save her and my 4 grandchildren. He has brain washed them all. Your emails help to keep me focused on what I need to do to stop the guilt and grief. I have many sad times, but I have the tools because of your emails and newsletters to help me through those sad times. I absolutely do not like the holidays. My heart aches for my daughter and grandkids, but thank God I have a son and one grandchild with him that helps ease the pain. It’s something we will never get over until God calls us home, but we can learn to focus the light on ourselves and that is what I have finally been able to do. Thank you for all you do, Sheri.
I have your book, however because of my job I rarely click on your newsletter. With my oldest daughter’s birthday right around the corner I’m feeling a little depressed. It feels good to know I’m not the only one on the planet going through this craziness. Acceptance is really hard to do, but it’s doable. Thanks again. We got this. Keep taking care of yourselves, and don’t blame yourselves for their poor choices.
Your articles have been so helpful and timely! I am deeply grateful. Thank you.
Dear Sheri, It’s taken me almost 3 years to get to where I am now. The first 2 were the toughest with all the changes that occurred during that time. I had to move after several years living in the same apartment, with all it’s memories attached, It was where I raised my son from infancy to adult hood, Well, that all changed when he met a woman who did not want me to be apart of his life anymore. She didn’t have to say anything, I felt it from the first night I met her. Needless to say, that’s all behind me now. I went through all the stages of grieving until I could finally let go and move forward in my life. It doesn’t mean I stopped loving my son, it means I started loving myself again. As parents, we do our best and that’s all we can do, it doesn’t mean you stop living your life for your child, that was the mistake I made. No one tells you that one day that same child will grow up and you’ll be nothing more than a second thought. Of course, we all needed to grow and make our way through life, it’s the cutting off that hurts the most when you weren’t prepared. I honestly don’t think you can be. After all, they were a big part of our lives. In any event, I want others to know that it will get easier, it just takes time to adjust. You’ll still have days where you feel sad, but it’s not as bad as it was in the beginning. Just pray that they are ok and let them find their own way. Our job is done!
Hi Sheri, That Pond Lily is really Is beautiful.
What you have just written ties in with where I find myself at. Only I am responsible for my own happiness. I find I am always unhappy and bordering on depression when I hear from any of my adult children.
They are barely civil to me, and I have had enough of this. I am now going into estrangement with the last one (#3). This is getting so familiar to me. The less I hear from them the happier I am. They know I am getting into my late 70’s and now they do this,,,,,,,,,LoL LoL
For many of us this is a real struggle. I go back and forth with sending cards or gifts. I still have last year’s Christmas gifts for younger daughter after she blocked me yet again. I am tired of the eggshells and living under a microscope. I am damn if I do and damned if I don’t. I wait every Thanksgiving hoping I will get 20 minutes of oldest daughter on their way home out of state. I booked a trip to Spain and Portugal this year. I am kind of done with the “hopium” and need to live for me. I have missed so many moments in their lives. Engagements, weddings, new granddaughter. They don’t care and I have reached an age that it is holding me back from enjoying the people that are in my life.
I’ve been estranged from my adult daughter for many years. I’ve gone through the anguish and mourning that estrangement causes and I’m now totally at peace. I’m not even sure that I would reconnect should that opportunity occur in the future.
you walk in your calling, thank heavens for your wisdom.
Hello all, this is my first time posting, my adult estranged daughter will be 44 on June 21 the longest day of the year, she was born on Father’s Day, making us first time parents. It’s been almost 4 years since I’ve seen her or my grandson. I try to move on in life and look for the good in each day. There is a part of me that’s gone and will never be filled. The only saving grace is keeping busy and looking to the future. There is light at the end of everyone’s journey. Thank you Sheri, you always seems to know when to send your newsletters, when we need it the most. Thank you for your support and motivation, no one except this group can understand the feelings that estrangement brings, trying to stay strong and keeping the light within bright.
My sons are many years estranged from me. Though I stopped sending greeting cards long ago, I still feel a sense of guilt on the occasion of their birthdays. After all, those are still very precious days for me. Thanks for the validation that it’s ok to acknowledge their births privately, still relishing the joy I felt on those days. It’s mine to savor.
This is wonderful Sheri Thank You!!
Thank you for permission to stop grieving the situation of an off and on relationship with my daughter and her family. I moved to be closer and it’s a disappointment. Their values are not mine. My hopes of time together is not happening. Knowing I’m not the only person who has experienced this gives me comfort and courage to face the world alone.
Hi. First time posting after reading for a few years. This post, Sheri, is so incredibly inspiring that I joined your support group because of it. Looked up when summer solstice is and it’s tomorrow, June 20th. I plan to spend the day with a good cup of coffee and answer the questions you asked us to consider. I loved the part when Beth realized she was pouring love into someone who wouldn’t receive it causing her to consider her love having a better purpose at this point in her life. Very insightful and encouraging. Thank you for your wonderful resources. You are soooo using your talents and gifts!