Why can’t I get over my estranged adult child? 3 relational habits that keep you stuck
Why can’t I get over my estranged adult child? Three relational habits that keep parents stuck
by Sheri McGregor, M.A.
Estrangement hurts for obvious reasons, including the loss of someone we have always loved, often with unanswered questions. We miss that person. Some of us have the pain of missing grandchildren, too. The absence can turn our hearts and lives upside down. Suddenly, adult children tell us we’re no good, that their every mistake stems from how we raised them, or some other narrative that supports the break. They may ghost us if we reach out. Or, they tell us not to contact them again in cold, calculating words that sound like AI, therapist-speak, or a script we’ve seen on the internet.
Their change may be sudden, but parents’ emotional adjustment happens more slowly. That’s why so many parents ask: Why can’t I get over my estranged adult child?
I’m not suggesting your feelings should cool completely or telling you to let go of hope. Every situation and relationship is unique. Hope, distance, continued effort, or stepping back are your decisions to make. What I’m addressing here is easing unnecessary parental suffering, regardless of which path you choose. One way to do that is to look inward.
Don’t worry, this isn’t another one of those dumb “mistakes parents make” articles I see too often. It’s more about noticing how your own behavior, often rooted in love and what you have always believed is right, can end up keeping you in pain. These are habits that prolong suffering after estrangement rather than help you live a fulfilling life.
After suffering repeated rebuffs, disappointments, and abuse, many parents ask themselves: Why can’t I get over my estranged adult child? The answer isn’t a lack of strength, discipline, or effort. It’s more about habits that make sense in some situations but don’t work in estrangements.
Waiting after estrangement: Parents in stagnation
Parents can have a tendency to wait around for their kids. That might mean you don’t move to a different home, get a different car, or otherwise make changes to support their ongoing life. An unsettled feeling holds you back. Even if you want those changes, part of you is staying alert. It’s as if you’re waiting for the doorbell to ring or to receive a note that explains what went wrong.
Parents are wired to be available to their children. That wiring doesn’t shift off suddenly when the child reaches adulthood or when they estrange. Society gives us all sorts of messages that go along with this, too. Peruse the card aisles around Mother’s Day and you’ll find zillions with a “you’re always there for me” message. Social norms alone can make waiting feel right.
When bits of contact still occur, which is frequently the case, a parent’s hope may never fully power down. That keeps the nervous system on standby, which makes living your own life feel conditional—on what they do, don’t do, or even might do.
- When/where are you postponing your life while you wait for someone else to change? Are you postponing your peace, joy, or growth while waiting?
Hanging on every word: Parents over-interpreting contact
When contact is rare or unpredictable, scrutinizing every word, reflecting on tone, and considering the timing isn’t unusual. A two word response—thank you—can feel like an opportunity. Likewise, a short response can feel like a closed door.
Searching for reassurance or meaning is an attempt to create certainty where none is being offered. Over time, hanging on every word, or every silence, causes constant stress. Your heart does emotional somersaults. Your nervous system stays on high alert. Puzzling, over-interpreting, and hanging on every occasional word is exhausting. That’s not a sound basis for the rise or fall of your outlook or well-being.
- Is the meaning you’re looking for or adding to any contact real? Is it something you can actually verify?
Honey, I shrunk myself: Parents making themselves small
I’m continually distressed by the parents who make themselves small to keep the door open. Most parents have spent decades building their kids up. It’s a shame their kids can’t return the favor. Instead, the threat of outbursts, loss of access to grandchildren, or prolonged estrangement is used to keep their parents small.
On the one hand, avoiding topics like politics and religion can make sense, but accepting one-sided rules or changing one’s values just to keep the door open hurts. I’m not one for starting arguments, but it’s fair for my adult children to recognize I sometimes have different beliefs.
When our kids are young, it’s our job to raise them with endurance. Parenting isn’t easy and can mean suffering discomfort and sacrificing our wants for their needs. But are good parents meant to remain uncomfortable forever? Especially when it costs parents their dignity or eats away at who they are?
- When have you shrunk yourself to maintain a relationship, no matter how one-sided or hurtful?
A Closing Thought
Parents sometimes say things like:
- Love them from afar
- I’ll always love my kids but…
- I’m trying to move forward even though it hurts.
The majority of us will always love our children, even though they hurt us. But loving them under such ambiguous conditions doesn’t come naturally. That’s why it’s important to look at how habits that may have previously been helpful can cause us further hurt.
In an upcoming meeting (in February) inside the membership, we’ll explore how to loosen these patterns—hardened heart not required. We’ll cover staying grounded and self-respecting even when contact is intermittent or remains uncertain.
For now though, awareness alone creates strong momentum toward reclaiming your own equilibrium and freedom. It’s often the first step toward taking good care of yourself. Awareness often brings on a shift that includes fewer, briefer emotional spikes, and a growing sense that your life belongs to you again.
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17 thoughts on “Why can’t I get over my estranged adult child? 3 relational habits that keep you stuck”
“Making myself small”…that really resonated with me…I feel like the experiences that used to bring me joy can’t happen anymore so I find my spirit shrinking and deflating…
My 42-year old daughter has been no contact with me for almost two years. I used to be able to see my three grandsons (14, 11, 9) when they were with her ex. For the last eight months she has forbidden him from letting me see the boys. Her ex is worried she will do crazy things to him if he lets me see them, even though he doesn’t agree with it.
Daughter doesn’t want me to see boys until she and I “fix” our relationship. But she doesn’t want to work on our relationship, so I’m stuck in an endless loop. I would gladly leave her alone, if I could continue to see the boys. I’ve been in their lives since they were born. I’m the only grandparent out of six that has had any relationship with them.
I feel so stuck. Those boys are so important to me. How can I walk away from them like she wants me to? I am finding new experiences that bring me joy, but nothing compares to what I feel when I’m spending time with the boys…
My late husband and I always strived to treat all 4 of our children fairly, but unfortunately, his mother treated our elder son and younger daughter like royalty. I believe this led to them feeling “entitled.” Our middle son and daughter worked their boots off to work themselves up to the top of their careers. My dear, older son died because he thought he knew better than all the doctors, friends and family, and eventually died from multiple organ failure. So, since her grandmother, father and older brother died, she appeared to be supportive of me, but she set a trap, which I fell into, not daring to believe the worst of her. She walked away from me, and although I have seen her at weddings and funerals, she totally blanks me. But the most painful part is that her children appear to back her and they deny me any contact with their children, my great grandchildren, who I’ve never even met. That is the part that breaks my heart; I won’t be able to teach them how to swim or take them to the park, or read with them. I do love my daughter, and I miss the girl she once was; I just don’t like the person she grew into; she has such a selective memory; only remembering the few disagreements we had over her demands. Entitled? The only thing she is entitled to is a big fat zero.
Thank you all for sharing, they say sadness is healing – a form of integration… I think I am out of the shock mode, I see my behavior in each of thes points, and how it may just be bringing more suffering. Sending love to all
The second estrangement just happened after spending a very, fun holiday together. There is absolutely no reason I can think of for this second estrangement. I had wanted to meet my grandchildren and get to know them. I got to do that for 2 1/2 years. I can’t even imagine what he tells the children. I won’t miss the lack of respect or the one-way relationship.
Oh wow, Sheri, this question you posed really hit me hard: “When have you shrunk yourself to maintain a relationship, no matter how one-sided or hurtful?” Thank you for it. It raises a lot of major issues.
Ever since she was in college I have shrunk myself; she is now 44 and the attacks and anger had escalated for 22 years. Nothing I did or said or was OK—I was old fashioned, ignorant, uptight, too worried about money, etc etc, so I shrank myself some more. Any thought or plan I had was stupid, she was happy to say, or just roll her eyes, so I kept my thoughts to myself. Any vacation I took was “boring,” so I just went and didn’t mention it. I was actually relieved at the onesided conversations because at least she wasn’t criticizing me, and I was getting to hear all about her. She wanted to become a writer so I offered to help her (only because I’ve helped many of my PhD students and postdocs with their publications, with great success, and wanted to help her too), but she scorned my help. So I shrank myself some more (I had never discussed my books or writing with her because she was so derisive all along—I never even told her when new ones came out.) I just said, “if you ever want to run anything by me or discuss publishing, just let me know.” But she scorned it and me.
Until Sheri’s post today, I didn’t see how I was constantly shrinking myself to try to accommodate and appease her. I saw it as supporting and celebrating her. A therapist (with whom I had started trying to repair the relationship) eventually said it shouldn’t be repaired, that she was aggressive, angry, and likely to escalate her attacks, and said by trying to uplift/celebrate her, I was becoming one of her “flying monkeys.”
I can now clearly and definitively say, and share with all the suffering parents here, that APPEASEMENT DOES NOT WORK. NO AMOUNT OF SHRINKING YOURSELF OR WALKING ON EGGSHELLS WILL WORK. After I was shrunk away to a “yes-dear-how-lovely-what-you-did!” just as on that Twilight Zone episode where the whole town tiptoes around a little bratty boy, she published lies about me and her dad (and others) in a book that came out this year, after self-publishing other books that were variously cringeworthy (but in which I always managed to find things to praise and celebrate). This openly libellous book was the final straw, that and her social media/podcast interviews where she slanders us directly. We thought about taking legal action, but I don’t want the hassle.
It’s “cool” now, if they claim to have had horrible parents and a terrible childhood; it gets them attention in the media. So that’s how she markets her books, with lies about us.
I did let her know when that book came out, that that’s it, and not to contact me because her attacks were deliberate lies, unjustified even in a memoir, and were so unkind and unfair: a cheap marketing device. She hasn’t contacted me, and I’m glad, but heartbroken.
We share a distinctive last name, and I’m frankly ashamed to be related to her, with her sleazy lies; she used to be the nicest, funniest, sweetest kid, with a really good attitude and sense of humor. The child I raised is dead. The adult who now exists is unrecognizable to me and I want nothing to do with her and no association with her.
SO I am thinking of changing my name when I move, and would love to hear how that went for any parents who have had to do it.
So the question “When have you shrunk yourself?” Is a really scary, yet good and helpful one to face. Thank you, Sheri.
I have been estranged from my 62 year old daughter for 21 years. My 21 year old granddaughter doesn’t know me. I’m 83 now. I have tried to reach out with acknowledging her birthday every year, however, truth is she’s cut all ties. No phone calls; no text responses. I’m blocked.
I have Muscular Dystrophy. No family here in South Carolina.. it’s quite a challenge coping with the effects of the disease and aging. I rely on a few friends here and my caregivers for assistance.
I’m working on final arrangements with a close friend in San Jose. Doing the best I can under the circumstances. Staying positive.
I am an artist. I paint occasionally now. Thanks for any input. Diane
If anyone has ever believed that having a sense of humor is absolutely essential for a healthy life and that humor and laughing are so basic to being a human being then you have thought, like I do, that this is what is frightening in the world today and in this century – the serious, dull, dour outlook in almost everything ! ! If there is something that is supposed to be funny in entertainment then it’s too much of that mean-spirited and shallow, dumbed-down, just plain unfunny stuff, like what talk show hosts bore with, hardly even smiling. The point I want to make is that families laughed at themselves back in the 90s, thanks to Seinfeld, and Roseanne, and more… and back in the 70s we had All In The Family and what great comedy that was, showing the fights in families, in serious and silly ways. We don’t have that today.
I suppose there is something…. but with too much media, thousands of channels, I don’t know how many families laugh together, just over a good show ! I have wanted to express that opinion and so there it is. It’s very sad to me that the humor, the fun, is too rare these days. So our “culture” is darker and more violent and this is showing with all this insane estrangement. We can just keep trying to be kind and giving and helpful – like Sheri !
I pray for better times and for more laughter to come back into our lives.
Thank you
I’ve being going through estrangement for years. I got separated from my children when they were 8&9. They were brain washed against me by their father and a born again Christian church with the help of one of my siblings. Fast forward 35 years and we see each other occasionally and I am a grandmother but they want me to pretend I was the bad one. My son is beginning to see sense but I understand they re navigating their own family values. I have to reach out so I get moments with my grandchildren and always at the end my daughter makes really nasty comments. I’ve accepted these arrangements and am prepared when they say we don’t want you in our life.
I am happy with the new life I created for myself, love the work I do and have fulfilling hobbies and some lovely friends, but as you say this time of year brings up anxiety and grief.
I appreciate your emails and have read your book done with crying.
Thank you. You always hit the nail on the head.
It’s hard when the things that used to make us happy, now hurt. I dreamed of my young children playing together. When I wake up, it hurts because of estrangement.
My Estranged adult child’s favorite color, animal, tattoo, career…. In past I would shared or bought or proudly shared my Adult Child….and now I don’t say anything.
We had to block Estranged Child for the texted, emailed attacks. We could not take it anymore. Ambiguous grief is tough. Accepting that this is my life is tough. Accepting that a much loved and wanted child turned out so badly and we cannot see our grandchildren is….. my OK self lost the O.
Try to focus on the adult children who want us in their lives and the grandkids we have and be grateful.
This is a great article about my LIFE. I am a parent wired to be available. I am 65 in good health and raised 2 sons. My oldest committed suicide at age 26 …it was a very unexpected and tramatic event . I miss him every day. My other son is 36 now and he and I have always been really close …we grocery shopped together….hung out and had great conversations. Then a few life events happen to him and now he is a different young man. I see him about 4 times a year ..he lives near me…when I do see him it’s like old times. But when I leave no calls come …nothing. It’s been tough for me…my kids were the loves of my life. I know in my gut he loves me …but the last years without him really in my everyday life has been rough
Our daughter told us we had a “little life” when we were taking care of their 2 children, 3 – 4 times a week starting when they were babies as the parents worked and all they way until the g-kids were 13. We had to ask every year about scheduling a vacation We had no backup even when we were ill except in the summer when their other grandparents returned & occasionally relieved us. The abuse escalated and after taking care of children we finally moved to another state. We miss the g-kids and never regret taking care of them but they are in college now and we have a much more peaceful life without drama. Life is short and we must enjoy as much as we can. Please think of yourselves because we tend to lose ourselves by putting everything we have into our children and g-children
Our daughter went completely No Contact right after Thanksgiving. I fell into a trap she set I believe and my comment to something she texted me, resulted in me being blocked from everything.
It was hard, as I have tried to leave the door open a crack. Her 54th birthday is in May. I am thinking about send her flowers or a plant with a card that simply says “Thank you for making May 21 a very special day for 54 years.” No signature.
Thank you for your wisdom. My son now an adult seems to relate to me with avoidant attachment. He seems to blame me for his lot in life. I provided the home – the constant parent – unconditional love and presence when his father and I divorced. I never said a bad word about his father – perhaps that is the reason for my son’s estrangement – he only had his father’s version – he who married the woman and had 2 children and a loving life. Who knows why my adult child treats me as a stranger. It breaks my heart and leaves me confused.
But a little light is your advice – to take time for myself. It’s not what I want but just maybe what I need to do rather than wait for crumbs then distance. Thank you
I recently received a letter from my 42-year-old adult estranged daughter whom I have not seen in 3 years. Her letter reveals her perspective that her whole life she was raised in a traumatic physical and emotional reality. She has developed neurodivergent tendencies with autistic behavior. My presence in her life triggers her.. I was a single mom from the time she was a baby when her father left. I am also an alcoholic who joined AA when she was 16 and now have 29 years of sobriety. Our life was stressful because there was not enough money but I loved her more and still love her more than anything. I have photos of us laughing and having fun together. What she describes is complete opposite of any lifestyle that I thought that she had. It is shocking and devastating. Several times a day I try to say I did the best I could and then the next second I think obviously it wasn’t the best for her. I lost any hope that they’ll be any relationship that I thought we previously had which was loving and caring and supportive. She wants to connect and try to find answers to her questions but I am stumped. I have my perspective she has hers and I don’t know how to change that. I’m not saying she is wrong I’m not saying I’m right I just don’t know how to help us move forward and still love and respect myself at the same time. It is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had in my entire life and it feels unfair and very sad and I feel very abandoned. Your message above helped me think about my own expectations and how to present my own needs along with hers. Currently I don’t have an answer but I do work with a counselor who is supportive and hopeful. Thank you for your insights.
I drive around a lot with my gig job and am constantly reminded of places I went with my daughter. At those times I pray for my memory to leave me so I can stop hurting. It’s been almost three years since our last conversation. I’m 70 and it just get harder as time passes.